Continuing on with the "sure haven't blogged in a while" theme, I figured I should at least post an update of where things are at. I'm constantly "blogging" in my head in a sense. I get all these thoughts/rantings/ponderings, health information, and fitness information that I feel compelled to share, but then I become indecisive and feel intimidated to write any of it because I'm such a perfectionist I fear that I might come off the wrong way or not word things perfectly, so then I over think it and end up not writing anything. I know it's irrational, I suppose I need to remind myself why I started this blog in the first place; because it was therapeutic for me. So anyways I'm going to dive right in with no plan.....
Still no surgery date!!! Argh. Having closure and accepting the surgery was great, but the waiting and not knowing is getting to me now. The latest we know is that I am on the urgent list, however the surgeon is booked up for the next 2 weeks, and then going on 2 weeks of holidays. So in 4 weeks, he will just be starting to chip away at his list again, on which I have no idea where I'm situated. So much for shortly after Christmas.
I'm too worn down to be upset about it. I'm so mentally drained I can't even experience anger or sadness it seems. I want to move on with my life! I've been in limbo for so long; not sick enough to be hospitalized but too sick for basic functions like work and school. The isolation is definitely affecting me. Getting out of the house is a big enough deal, but reconnecting and seeing people is a real struggle. Social anxiety sucks. Getting out and seeing friends and family is so intimidating, even though that I realize they know and understand my situation. Then the longer I go without seeing someone, the harder it is to recconect. Going back to the track is brutal. I know there are plenty of people there happy to see me out, but I get so damn skittish and just want to go back home. Same with large family gatherings. I suppose the trouble is that I feel I can't relate to anyone right now.
I loathe being bombarded with "how have you been feeling??", but at the same time hate it even more when people have no idea what I'm going through. I can either lie and just say "good" and then feel resentful, or be honest and tell an acquaintance that I haven't seen in 6 months how much blood was in my toilet that morning. Okay, I realize I don't need to be that graphic but you get the idea. Either way I suppose it's just a wall that I'll need to break through eventually, the longer I put off getting out the harder it will be. The last thing I want is for the surgery to take the pain away and then still be scared to leave the condo.
I'm currently taking one online class, have 2 very casual clients at the gym (that understand my health situation), and have my nutrition coaching cert to chip away at right now. Although those are literally my only obligations right now, it feels extremely overwhelming. With the near future lacking so much certainty I'm finding it harder than ever to focus. I'm strongly considering just dropping the university class. Like everything I just registered for it assuming I would be in better health by the time it rolled around. I think I'd rather just knock out my remaining 4 classes in one term whenever I'm healthy, regardless of when that may be rather than making myself sick with stress one class at a time.
As far as the operation itself goes, hell, I'm ready. I'm looking at it as a challenge. I've started listening to an mp3 of positive affirmations designed for those awaiting surgery, as well as meditating daily for the anxiety (I'm actually consistent at this now!!!). I've even made a pre and post surgery nutrition plan to maximize my body's chances of recovering well. Doc says I'll be in the hospital for a week? Challenge accepted, lets make it 5 days.
I want to make this surgery my bitch!
Lane
