Happy Thanksgiving!

As you can see, I'm feeling better again!  It seems crazy that I was so weak I had troubles pulling doors open and getting out of bed just 6 months ago....

(March 29- Oct 1) Ileostomy recovery using exclusively cannabis as medication:

 

 

Before I get all rambley I want to link a couple of earlier posts just to contrast how far I've really come.  A few archives can be found here for an idea of where I was at a year ago.  For those of you new to reading my blog, or that have met me recently (aka post-flare) these posts should give you some idea of what it's like to have crohns.

 I'm so glad I recorded this stuff. Nobody wants their picture taken when they appear to be rotting away, but having that "before picture" is so motivating to see after making so much progress.  I'm glad I wrote down my struggles, because I do not want to forget them. I never want to take life for granted again, and these journals are a great reminder of how lucky I am. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to have shared these experiences, so that the general public can maybe empathize with others that have crohn's. 

Fast forward to now. When I started writing this post I had just got back from a trip to the Okanagan where I was constantly on the go, taking in all sorts of activities and experiences I used to long for.   I went partly as a family trip and also for a wedding of two close friends.  A year ago travelling and spending so much time in social situations would have been out of the question. It was such a delight to enjoy new places and the company of so many good people.  I'm still having fun helping people discover their own strength at Freedom Functional Fitness, which will always be my happy place. I’ve also recently started an exciting position working at the Saskatchewan Compassion club, providing medical cannabis to people in the exact same situation I was in a year ago. I literally spend my days passing on the two things that have made the biggest difference in my health (fitness and cannabis), to those who truly need it.  It’s surreal. 

 As far as my own health goes, cannabis is nothing new for me, but having consistent access to

quality, lab tested edibles and suppositories has revolutionized my healing process.  The surgery needed to happen so that my body could quit wasting energy to heal un-healable tissue, (my colon and bladder had fused together) but now with that out of the way, my body seems so soak up cannabis like a sponge and I just keep getting stronger. Doctors and nurses can't believe I don't use ANY pharmaceuticals, especially after such an aggressive operation. Fuck steroids. 

The novelty of my new freedom has yet to wear off, every day feels like a gift. One of my favourite parts of this is the sense of contentment I've begun to develop due to the perspective crohns has blessed me with. I may be able to go mountain biking and lift weights now, but my happiness isn't dependent on it.  That's so liberating to say!  The mere absence of pain is enough to make me smile these days.  Being able to leave the house without feeling anxiety, or just going for a walk around the block pain free is a thrill right now. Before getting sick my happiness was dependent on winning meets, making teams, and lifting more weight. It wasn't healthy at all, and I'm thankful for my new perspective.

Though things are going well, I've slacked on my meditation practice and I’m noticing the effect.  Ive only just been back at it his last week after realizing how much worse I am without it.  I have no excuse for stopping, even though I’m busy now.  I really believe in the rule of thumb that the less time you think you have to meditate, the more you need to meditate. That doesn’t mean sitting on the floor cross legged chanting stuff, it can be as simple as just eating your lunch in silence without texting and face booking, or just counting deep breaths for 2 minutes.  Is 2 minutes or one non-distracted meal per day really so much so ask of ourselves?  I suppose we are best at preaching the advice we need to follow ourselves.

I am thankful for such a wonderful family that has supported me and made this all possible. Dad has busted his ass in the garden this summer so I've had all my favourite vegetables, and mom has always been there for me to talk to. From little things like that, to providing me with a car to drive and a place to live, I'm pretty spoiled.  They have both sacrificed a lot just to make me comfortable.  Even Reid provides me with free farm eggs that I enjoy every single day. My coworkers at Freedom are amazing, I’ve had them cover for me over and over when I’m sick, and i appreciate them keeping me around and being so patient with me as I got back on my feet.  Though I’ve had to scale back there because of my role at the compassion club, everyone has remained very supportive and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Thanks for reading!

Life with an ostomy.

It's really important to me that I share my surgery experience, because I remember being too scared to reach out, and just assuming the worst. I thought I would be painfully self conscious and never be able to do my favorite activities again.  I remember being so scared, envisioning life with the bag being miserable, and I'm specifically writing this post to say that is not the case at all....

 We fear what we don't understand. I made the huge mistake of just fearing the surgery without asking the questions I was scared to hear the answer to.  I was offered to be put in touch with ostomates, was told how life with the bag wasn't all that bad, but I was stubborn and wouldn't listen.   I may be fortunate enough to be re attached this year, but at this point I know I could be perfectly happy even if I had to live with this bag for the rest of my life.  I can wake up and do whatever I want now, no longer needing to be within 10ft of a washroom for my entire day. The bathroom urgency, and more importantly the stress that came along with it, is completely gone!

I'm not going to lie, the operation and 4-8 weeks following it were total hell. If you followed my blog around that time (view a post here ), you saw what a tough experience it was. That being said, once the complications subsided and the abscesses drained, I felt awesome.

Is having an appliance as good as before my flare? Obviously not, but it's pretty damn close.  Besides maintenance being annoying, it really doesn't hinder my life in any way shape or form, especially thanks to my stealth belt.  It holds the pouch horizontally rather that vertical, and supports it tight against my body so it doesn't flop around.  I wear it all day every day because it hides the pouch under shirts and makes jeans much more wearable.

Here are my stud brother's and I at a wedding.  See, can't tell I'm wearing a bag, and dress clothes are typically the most revealing:

I've managed to go mountain biking, pole vaulting, swimming, lift weights, and exercise freely.  I try to keep the pouch as empty as possible, as it can jiggle around and gets tight when the bag is full.  I can't say it has been without challenges.  I've had to learn to keep extra supplies on hand in case of leaks or emergencies, and do flange changes on the fly.  My stoma has popped out of the flange diving into the river, crashing my bike, and I had a leak at work one time, but one of my awesome co workers covered for me.  One time I had a leak while biking into downtown Kelowna and had to make a coffee shop pit stop.  This is going to sound weird, but there's something extremely liberating about walking into a Starbucks with your t shirt covered in poop and not being even the slightest bit embarrassed.  I've been through so many humiliating experiences with crohns that nothing phases me anymore. I've become very stoic in that sense I guess.  Like I said, it feels liberating to have that sort of "no fucks given", unashamed demeanor towards this disease that used to make me feel so self conscious.

Ostomy change at the dirt jumps, who needs a colon anyway?

Starbucks pit stop.  Minor bump in the road, still had an awesome day!

Learning was frustrating, but you learn to change supplies on the fly.  Sometimes the stoma makes farting noises, which two years ago I'd assume would just embarrass me, but I don't care and neither does anyone around me.  Those who matter don't mind right?

Although I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to get re-attached, I'm really glad I had this experience of having an ostomy.  Crohn's has been a wonderful teacher of life lessons.  I never thought I could be happy as a non-athlete, but it taught me that I can.  I used to foolishly think that having an ostomy would be the end of the world, yet with my intestine poking out of my belly I've had one of the best summer's of my life.  It's a very satisfying feeling.  

A few sample meals with inevitable side rants

Ok, so I keep getting more and more questions from fellow chronies about what I eat.  Rather than procrastinating to writing the perfect blog, I've just grabbed a bunch of food pictures from my iphoto library.  Yes, I hate to admit, I'm that annoying guy that always needs to pull out his phone to take a picture of his meal. 

But first I want to start out by saying that last night I had a wicked case of the munchies, made a poor decision and hammered back a box of 20 timbits.  The reason I chose to share this is to say that I am not perfect!  I have my moments of weakness just like everyone else.  Being a trainer and having all the right knowledge doesn't make me superhuman.  I'm prone to stress eating, and I love shitty, terrible chemical laden foods just as much as you do.  The accountability thing really works though, just the act of sharing that already makes me not want to do it again!  Be honest with yourself, theres always a clean slate available.

Having said that, I'm on top of my game about 80% of the time, and I've been cleaning up the junk diet consistently ever since my initial post-surgery binge.

Upon rising, I usually have a glass of water with 1tsp of sea salt.  This is great for thyroid health, and now that I'm missing my large intestine I can always use the extra sodium.

Side rant-You don't need to have a malabsorbtion syndrome to enjoy your salt!  Real salt is good for you, table salt is not.  Just like saturated fat, studies showing high sodium diets to be harmful were done on junk diets, so its more correlation that causation.  Regular table salt is processed with heat which kills all the trace minerals that make it so healthy.  The flowing agents added to make it pour so nicely can also be carcinogenic.  Stick to sea or pink himalayan, and use it to enhance the flavor of your foods.  It sure seems ironic to me how someone could deprive themselves of salt at breakfast and then dump a bunch of ketchup on their eggs.

With the salt water I'll take any pills that need to be taken on an empty stomach, currently thats just a couple of probiotics.

30-60 minutes later I'll have my "breakfast" of bulletproof coffee.  You've probably heard of it by now,  I'll admit it is super trendy these days.  Call it a health fad, but its awesome.  For those who aren't familiar, its 2 cups of high quality coffee blended with grass fed butter and MCT oil.  Do NOT attempt to just stir it, or you will be terribly disappointed.  And before dismissing it as "not a balanced breakfast"  hang on a second.  Think of it as a serving of healthy fats, but caffeinated.  You get the antioxidant benefits of the coffee, instant energy from the mct oil, and fat soluble vitamins as well as CLA from the butter.  Not to mention it tastes like the best latte you've ever had. I always do 2 tablespoons MCT oil (worked up to this, too much at once causes diarrhrea) , and 1-2 tablespoons butter.  The amount of butter just depends on hunger.  My favorite thing about it is the mental energy and clarity, with no crash.  You don't even think about food for 3-4 hours afterwards.  I know personally, if I start my day with a bowl of oatmeal crisp, first of all I want to eat the entire box, and even if I manage just one bowl, I'm fucking starving an hour later.

 With the coffee I'll take my vitamin A and D, and whatever else I'm currently on that is to be taken with food.

Side rant- Your entire diet needs to be balanced, not individual meals.  There are benefits to altering macronutrient ratios of a meal depending on its time and application.  For example, filling up on fat and avoiding carbs in the morning results in steady blood sugar and much more energy, where as post workout you want carbs to refuel, but zero fat because it will slow down the absorption/assimilation of other nutrients. 

In the afternoon I usually have a smoothie consisting of
-1 cup frozen fruit (my favorites are blueberry, mango, cherry, and seabuckthorn berry) ,
-coconut water and almond milk until its "enough" liquid for 1 serving.
-a couple "glugs" of avocado oil or olive oil
-another "glug" of MCT oil
-1tsp matcha green tea powder
-20-30 grams worth of protein from any combination of whey, hemp, or collagen protein powder
-other amino acids if I'm taking any at the time
-1/2 tsp real vanilla powder
-sometimes a TBSP of hemp hearts
- Sometimes a cup of frozen steamed kale or spinach, but not gonna lie I've been slacking on the greens lately

Beyond the coffee and the smoothie being staples my meals vary day to day, here are a few samples:

Chili made with bison, sweet potato, quinoa, celery, mushroom, bone broth, tomato sauce.  (no beans)

Cucumber slices and guacamole.  (Easy and portable).

 Homemade chocolates.  Raw cacao powder (super healthy, look it up), raw cacao butter, and a bit of maple syrup, thats it.  For a filling (optional) I used homemade macadamia butter.

 Real coffee.  Not ground 2 years ago and stored in a plastic disk.

 Macadamia butter mentioned previously.  Dump macadamias in blender, blend, done.

 BP coffee, boiled egg, leftover burger patty with guac.

 Steamed salmon with lemon and dill, 2 eggs.  15 minute supper. 

 Picnic lunch for the beach.  Spinach salad with chicken and hemp hearts, apple slices to dunk in almond butter, bananas and grapes.

 Lamb roast on top of onions and lemongrass before adding coconut milk and tomato paste.

 Zucchini, peppers, mushrooms fried in grass fed butter, loaded with plenty of salt and spices.  2 eggs thrown on top.  This is one of my quick and easy at home lunches.

 A whole pig's worth of pork belly (unprocessed bacon). Pork is definitely not something I would suggest eating this much of if you get it from the grocery store.  This is pastured organic, otherwise pork is typically a very dirty meat. 

 Leftover steamed cod on peas.  With salt and butter of course. 

 -I load herbs and spices on everything.  For fresh ones I like rosemary, cilantro, tarragon, and mint.  Dried I use a lot of of turmeric, cumin, cinnamon, fenugreek, garlic, dill, and oregano.  Seriously, I go hard on the spices.  I used to need to put ranch, teryaki or bbq sauce on everything I ate until I learned to use them.  Have fun with it, just check your expiry dates and please don't ruin your beautiful spices by storing them above the stove, that spot is basically a mold incubator. 

- I also enjoy 1-3 cups of tea per day.  I like green or peurh in the morning, ginger, rooibos, or peppermint anytime, and either kava or chamomile at night.

So there's a few examples anyways, if you find this information interesting or useful, please share!  What else should I blog about?

Feeling so much better! Here's how:

Been a while since I’ve blogged.  I’m certainly in a different space now, it feels great.  To start off, here are a couple of progress pictures.  The surgery was March 11 and as you can see, it kicked my ass pretty hard:

 April 7, 127 pounds

May 11, 140lbs

 Other than the occasional panic attack every couple of weeks, my anxiety is almost completely gone.  Its so liberating to be able to just go out and do things as I please!  No more sick queasy feeling in my chest every time I try leave the house!  Since surgery I've been able to accomplish the following:

-Gained 20lbs
-Finished my exercise nutrition course
-Coached a handful of classes at the gym
-CRP (inflammation marker) down to 8.0 For a reference, the lowest I’ve ever had it since being sick was  47.  0-7 is considered healthy range, so I'm almost there
-Most importantly, I’m enjoying life again!  I’m having so much fun just going for walks to the river, driving home to the acreage, cooking new recipes, and exercising for the pure thrill of it. 

All with the following also happening since the operation:

-blood clot in my right leg
-2 percutaneous drains for massive abdominal abscesses, left for 3 weeks then right for 3 weeks.
-Huge incision over my belly button, without staples.
-1 overnight stay after removal of 1st drain, another night in emerge to get 2nd drain pulled.

One of the drains I lived with:

This didn’t happen all on its own though, I had to facilitate this recovery.  After letting myself rot for the first few weeks, I knew I had to take active steps if I wanted to speed the healing process. I committed to a 30 day exercise program, stuck to an extensive supplement regimen, and I committed to a morning routine consisting of the following:

-Push ups as soon as rolling out of bed.  10 seconds down, 10 seconds up until failure.  At first, I could only do one, by the end of the month I managed 4 or 5.  Anyone can do this!  It took less than 2 minutes out of my day each morning.
-Meditate for 15 minutes.  (I use the app headspace)
-Weigh myself

I sleep with my phone on airplane, and make a point of not turning it on until those 3 things are done.  Same thing goes for the laptop.  I’ve found texts and emails to be an even worse focus sucker when you start your day with them. I use another app called askmeevery , where you can have it ask you anything you want via text and email.  Every morning I get a text asking “how many push ups”, and another asking “how much do you weight.”  This is awesome for accountability, the guilt of typing in that “0” is enough to make you just do the damn push ups.  My other favourite part about the app is that it automatically charts and graphs all your data for you, so you can see your progress in a nice visual.

Side note- those who think weighing in every day is excessive, here is my reasoning why.  We can lose and gain significant amounts of weight even during the course of a single day.  This is due to fluctuating hydration status, how much we eat, and other factors.  A lire of water weights 2.2 pounds, so you can drink/pee that amount without even knowing it.  The amount of carbohydrates stored in the body also influence how much water weight we hold onto. Since this number can change so much without your weight “actually” changing, I like to weigh in at the same time every morning, and then use a weekly average to tell where I’m at.  Also, the scale should not be feared!! Use it as a guide for future decisions, not a judge of past ones!

At night I get 2 more questions, one asking me “what did you eat today”, and one asking “what are you grateful for”.  This is my foolproof way of keeping a food log and gratitude journal.  Writing a food log is a humbling, surprisingly effective way of cleaning up your diet.  There's something about actually writing down “ate liter of cookie dough ice cream” that makes you really, really not want to do it again tomorrow. The gratitude journal is a super effective way of well, simply being happier!

As for diet, I tried eating super clean at first, but that resulted in me just picking at my food and really not eating anything.  Eventually I just started eating whatever the hell I felt I could get down, and my body actually thanked me for it at that point.  2000 cals of ice cream and toast beat the hell out of 400 calories of  healthy food.  So for the first 4 weeks or so I really let myself go diet wise, though I don’t feel guilty about it.  With such a low appetite, having a craving for anything at all was a blessing so I indulged it, whether it was mac n cheese, bread, or ice cream.  I loaded up on that stuff, and I’m not going to lie, it was awesome.  Eventually the novelty wore off though. Weeks 5-present I’ve been doing better by eating much more healthy foods throughout the day.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still enjoying some nighttime treats once my healthy “checkpoints” have been met for the day. Just because I’m conscious of it doesn’t make it any more acceptable, but its an evolving process.  If I’ve learned anything, its that small changes are the only sustainable ones. I've always found that adding good foods works better than subtracting bad ones.  Eventually the good replaces the bad, and if you eat the right stuff you won't crave the wrong stuff after a while. 

I started my first formal exercise May 11th.  A simple 30 day living room workout.

My reasons for going with this one were that:
-Strength (not silly cardio) training "wakes up" and activates your body into healing mode.  This is why simply having muscles keeps you from aging.
-it features compound movements working major muscle groups
-extremely beginner friendly, can be done anywhere
-simple and effective progressions
-written by a reputable coach (Brett Contreras is awesome)

Since 250 reps seemed a little silly, once I reached day 15 I went back to day 1 but added weight. I really wish I took pictures of my first couple workouts. At the beginning, I was so feeble I had to have stools on either side of me for balance  Keep in mind, for most of this program I had a 4 inch wire jammed in my side near my kidney. By the end, I was completing 150 loaded squats (broken into sets of 10-20) either holding a kettlebell , wall ball, or even an empty barbell.  After completing the 30 days I managed to pull of some real front squats!  May have only been 75lbs, but I felt like superman!

First set of "real" squats @ 75 pounds.  A couple months ago this was unfathomable:

My supplement regimen has been the following:

-1Tbsp high EPA fish oil
- 3-5 grams vitamin C spread throughout the day (for collagen synthesis for my incision)
-2 tbsp hydolyzed collagen protein (Incision repair, this stuff has also helped my arthritis more than any other supplement)
-1 B100 tablet
-800mg folinic acid
-30 000IU vitamin D
-25 000IU vitamin A for 2 weeks, then every other day
-Cannabis oil, in the form of either capsules, food, or blended into tea, totaling 100mg CBD and 400mg THC per day (Most effective medication I have ever used, bye bye prednisone, no more painkillers!) 1:1 CBD to THC is optimal, but I can't quite afford it.   
-2 shakes per day, each containing 7.5grams arginine, 5grams ornithine, and 10 grams glutamine.  This is an effective stack for surgery recovery, but also for healing sports injuries.
-Lots of MCT oil and Avocado oil in smoothies
-Magnesium (glycinate) 400-600mg per day
-Topical magnesium spray, 20 sprays at night.
-15mg zinc (gluconate) and 2mg copper, 2x per day

Of course none of this progress would be possible without the incredible support I have.  I am extremely fortunate to have wonderful friends and family backing me up every single step of the way.  Thanks everyone!

Cheers

Back in hospital...

Hopefully just for the night, it's been a frickin long day.

Recovery has been painfully slow.  Considering the operation was a month ago I'm really not doing well.  This infection really threw a wrench into everything and has slowed down the entire process.  It's more so extreme discomfort than pain that is getting to me.  There's a difference, but its just as bad as pain.  I do still have extreme pain once or twice a day, but beyond that its just constant abdominal pressure.  It's pushing against my ribs, my back, my bladder, you name it.  It hurts to move or breath deeply or even sit up with a neutral spine.  It's also very uncomfortable having drain tubes stuck inside of me and bags hanging everywhere.  It's weird how I was actually doing better the day of the operation than I am now.  

Last Wednesday I came in for a CT scan, which showed that the abscess currently being drained had almost dissipated, but another large collection had formed, this time on my right side.  The good news; we finally know why I'm hurting so bad, the bad news; I've got another fucking abscess.  My family doctor called me the next day with the report.  There was the large abscess that needed to be drained, as well as multiple smaller ones that will have to dissipate on their own.  The scan also showed what looked like a clot in my femoral vein.  I was ordered blood thinners (more needles, yay) immediately and was told to wait to hear more about getting the abscess drained.  Of course being Easter weekend, I couldn't get in until today.  It was a tough weekend of just waiting in pain.

Lauren brought me in at 10am this morning, and once I saw the surgeon he said he would order the test to be done and get me a bed because I would likely be admitted.  I was expecting just a quick in and out, putting in the drain only takes a half hour or so, but I guess they want to keep me for observation.  I didn't take it well, I hate being in here so I was pretty grumpy all day.  We had to wait in a waiting room until around 4 and of course no food or water allowed until after the procedure.  As I type this it sounds petty to complain about, I've certainly endured worse, its just a straw that breaks the camel's back type of ordeal.  I almost snapped this morning.  More waiting, more needles, more poking and prodding, more stupid protocols......less freedom.  I was also frustrated that they knew about this abscess a week ago and gave me no information on what was to do down, they certainly didn't let me know I should expect to be admitted.  Nobody likes going to RUH for a simple follow up and being told you have to stay. 

Anyways they put in a 2nd tube, this one hurts a lot more.  As of right now I've got an ileostomy, a wide open surgical cut (under gauze, they had to take all the staples out when the abscess started leaking through), and a drainage line in either side of my abdomen.  So yeah, the old midsection isn't feeling so hot right now. 

That was a little ranty, but hey it's been a rough go and I figured it was a good time to update everyone.  Time for the positives:

-My family and friends are amazing.  Lauren has been nothing but supportive, and her resilience through all this has been inspiring. Everyone around me has gone above and beyond to do anything they can to make me comfortable, whether its running around the city to pick up random stuff for me, putting movies in the dvd player, or just giving me a back rub, everyone has been so good.  I truly am fortunate to have so much support, some people go through this stuff alone and I can't even imagine what hell that would be.

-Home care has been helpful without being annoying or intrusive.

-The surgical incision over my belly button is healing very well.

-As annoying as this drain tube is, at least its just an abscess rather than a kink, blockage, or perforation, etc that would necessitate more surgery.

-My stoma/ostomy is working great.

-No more catheter or staples.

- I can go for car rides, etc without being scared of having to go to the bathroom all the time!!!

-Again, I have such a huge base of support.  I don't feel like anything has been too big or too small to ask for.  One big highlight has been friends taking me out for walks, or in this case wheelchair rides :)

No walk in the park (slightly graphic details)

I apologize in advance for the lack of structure for this post, I hardly have the energy to blog so it might be a bit of a ramble.

The operation itself did go great, but 2 weeks afterward I'm still battling complications.  The day after the surgery my vitals went crazy and showed definite signs of infection.  The next day they got me on aggressive antibiotics.  The abdominal pain continued to get worse and worse when it should have been getting better.  That night I rolled on to my side and a bunch of liquid oozed out and stained my gown.  Thinking it was just my ostomy leaking I buzzed the nurse, after cleaning the stoma area we realized the leak was coming out of my largest incision, the one right over my belly button.  Soon they removed a few staples and puss started oozing everywhere.  Definite infection.  It was so bad the had to leave the wound open and add an extra bag for the fluid to drain into.  This all happened around 1am and made for a long night, the nurses did an amazing job though.

The next morning I made it in for a CT scan which showed a very large abscess that had formed and needed to be drained.  That afternoon I was sent down to have a tube inserted into my belly to drain pus into, a THIRD bag hanging off of me.  So now I've got 1 ileostomy pouch, 1 incision drain pouch, and 1 abscess draining pouch.  Thank god my catheter was out by that point.  Add wheeling around an IV into the mix and I was not all that inclined to move around.

The rest of my stay has been kind of a blur, the initial drains and having the antiobiotics kick in helped significantly, but I was still in pretty serious pain.  I've been home a week now, and the drains are still flowing, I'll need them another week for sure.  They are just so cumbersome and annoying.  Monday night I threw up, and a bunch of blood and thick stuff shot into the incision bag from all the heaving pressure, we called home care and got sent to emergency to make sure it was all ok.  Everything turned out to be fine, it just made for a long stressful night.  The next morning home care changed all the dressings and stuff.

Even since being home, I've been in constant pain until yesterday really.  The good news is I haven't needed a painkiller in about 24 hours, I want to avoid those wretched things as much as possible.  I've hit an all time low of 124.5 pounds, so now a legitimate 50 pounds under my normal bodyweight.  Moving and eating are huge struggles, but I know I need to keep up with that stuff in order to heal.  I have a CT scan on Wednesday to see how the abscess is doing, and can hopefully ditch this drainage hose shortly after. 

Mom has been amazing looking after my every need here at the condo.  I've had lots of support from friends and family, just no energy for visitors yet.  I've been sleeping almost constantly which is good.  It's just been a long slow recovery and I'm growing weary.  Not a lot really cheers me up, and nothing interests me right now.  I'm thinking maybe one more week of it being this rough and once this infection is behind me I should see another boost in strength.  Anyways that's about all I have to say for now.  Home care should be here right away and then its nap time.  Cheers.

January Catch-up

Continuing on with the "sure haven't blogged in a while" theme, I figured I should at least post an update of where things are at.  I'm constantly "blogging" in my head in a sense. I get all these thoughts/rantings/ponderings, health information, and fitness information that I feel compelled to share, but then I become indecisive and feel intimidated to write any of it because I'm such a perfectionist I fear that I might come off the wrong way or not word things perfectly, so then I over think it and end up not writing anything.  I know it's irrational, I suppose I need to remind myself why I started this blog in the first place; because it was therapeutic for me.  So anyways I'm going to dive right in with no plan.....

Still no surgery date!!!  Argh.  Having closure and accepting the surgery was great, but the waiting and not knowing is getting to me now.  The latest we know is that I am on the urgent list, however the surgeon is booked up for the next 2 weeks, and then going on 2 weeks of holidays.  So in 4 weeks, he will just be starting to chip away at his list again, on which I have no idea where I'm situated.  So much for shortly after Christmas. 

I'm too worn down to be upset about it.  I'm so mentally drained I can't even experience anger or sadness it seems.  I want to move on with my life! I've been in limbo for so long; not sick enough to be hospitalized but too sick for basic functions like work and school.  The isolation is definitely affecting me.  Getting out of the house is a big enough deal, but reconnecting and seeing people is a real struggle.  Social anxiety sucks.  Getting out and seeing friends and family is so intimidating, even though that I realize they know and understand my situation.  Then the longer I go without seeing someone, the harder it is to recconect.  Going back to the track is brutal.  I know there are plenty of people there happy to see me out, but I get so damn skittish and just want to go back home.  Same with large family gatherings.  I suppose the trouble is that I feel I can't relate to anyone right now.

I loathe being bombarded with "how have you been feeling??", but at the same time hate it even more when people have no idea what I'm going through.  I can either lie and just say "good" and then feel resentful, or be honest and tell an acquaintance that I haven't seen in 6 months how much blood was in my toilet that morning.  Okay, I realize I don't need to be that graphic but you get the idea.  Either way I suppose it's just a wall that I'll need to break through eventually, the longer I put off getting out the harder it will be.  The last thing I want is for the surgery to take the pain away and then still be scared to leave the condo. 

I'm currently taking one online class, have 2 very casual clients at the gym (that understand my health situation), and have my nutrition coaching cert to chip away at right now.  Although those are literally my only obligations right now, it feels extremely overwhelming.  With the near future lacking so much certainty I'm finding it harder than ever to focus.  I'm strongly considering just dropping the university class. Like everything I just registered for it assuming I would be in better health by the time it rolled around.  I think I'd rather just knock out my remaining 4 classes in one term whenever I'm healthy, regardless of when that may be rather than making myself sick with stress one class at a time. 

As far as the operation itself goes, hell, I'm ready.  I'm looking at it as a challenge.  I've started listening to an mp3 of positive affirmations designed for those awaiting surgery, as well as meditating daily for the anxiety (I'm actually consistent at this now!!!). I've even made a pre and post surgery nutrition plan to maximize my body's chances of recovering well.  Doc says I'll be in the hospital for a week?  Challenge accepted, lets make it 5 days.

I want to make this surgery my bitch! 

Lane