I said "my" day rather than "the" day because they aren't the same thing. "My day" is the select hours within the actual day that I feel strong enough to get off the couch. I look fine, and my spirits seem to be up, but I'm still not able to do a whole lot. I really need to pace my energy properly, and it's easier said than done.
So poor little Lane is tired because he went shopping....if you are rolling your eyes think again.
-Every single car ride to 8th street is risking the humiliation of pooping my pants or otherwise.
-A couple of weeks ago I threw up into an empty travel mug at a red light, then proceeded to my doctors appointment and carried on with my day.
-Having to "go" all the time causes so much stress and frustration. I'm comfortable with my condition, but it fucking sucks when you leave your shopping cart to run across the store to the bathroom, just to come back (granted, 20 minutes later) and find the staff took it away.
-Or waiting in line for 10 minutes at the bank teller, making it aaaalmost to the front of the line, and then having to run away and find a washroom (they usually don't have public ones so I either have to seriously bolt, or embarrassingly beg and plead the staff to let me use theirs). In situations like this by the time I'm out of the bathroom I'm exhausted, embarrassed, and sad so I usually just go home instead of getting back in line
- Not to mention the stress of feeling I always need to justify my behavior!!!
Just stop for a second and try think of what kind of stress levels these situations can cause. Now think of those acute jumps in stress happening multiple times per day and the compounding effect that it would have over a person for TWO YEARS! At this point I'm chronically stressed, really on-edge all the time. I have a seriously hard time calming down.
So yeah, literally all I did yesterday was make a trip to the health food store, to the hospital for bloodwork, and then to superstore, but by the time I got home I was done. Driving, crowds, lines, and not knowing where the nearest bathroom is all make me extremely anxious so it was a big day. I work really hard to listen to my doctor for what foods to eat and carefully plan out meals, but $400 worth of groceries later all I wanted was a nap and someone to make me soup. I didn't even have it in me to unload the dishwasher, let alone preparing anything. I pride myself on eating nothing processed or read-made, but I always underestimate the labor involved in actually preparing healthy food. It just left me feeling that I honestly would have been better off sleeping all day and eating "regular" food.
What's better in the big picture? Being tired and strung out to the max with an empty belly and dirty house full of unprepared superfoods, OR, being calm and well rested with a belly full of cereal. I just don't know anymore.
On a more positive note I did get out this past weekend. Lauren, Mark, and I went to Lauren's cabin at Candle lake. We also camped a night at one my my favorites, Steepbank lake. I am so thankful for my friends, without them I wouldn't be able to do these things that I love. They literally did all the work, packing and unloading, cutting the firewood, etc, and let me just lay around. I felt so lucky!!
It was very peaceful up there. People try to advise me against going out and living life because I am sick, but what do you think is a better situation for me, being sick as a dog at my own private campsite next to the water, or being sick as a dog in the environments I described to you a few paragraphs ago?
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