-Walking more
-Doing the odd random set of 10 squats in the kitchen
-Stretching a tight muscle while I wait for something in the microwave
-Helping dad clean the shed
-Cleaning the condo
-Going camping
I know you could hardly consider this stuff "starting to exercise" but I've been a serious vegetable lately. Beyond that, its more about the intention than how much is getting done. Its about being conscious of my activity levels so I can monitor the correlation to how it makes me feel. I'm making an effort to move more, and my body is giving me the green light so far. My back/ankles/shoulders still hurt just as bad, but these simple activities don't aggravate them any further. 3 weeks ago just unloading camping gear out of the truck could have thrown my back into spasm, so just being able to do it now is a welcome form of exercise that I am thankful for.
My biggest challenge has been learning to calm down and slow down. I really have no reason to be worried anymore, but I'm still constantly on edge with my guard up. It's just a result of habit I suppose. I've been looking out for myself the last two years, constantly searching, digging, reaching for answers, my brain never stops. Like I said I have no rational reason to be worried anymore, but my brain is just so used to being in overdrive its taking some serious work to turn it off and just let my body heal itself. I can never sit still, and social situations still make me anxious. Even if I'm doing whatever I want on my own can't stay in one place for long, so add people and that's why watching a movie at a theater or playing a board game is so unappealing to me. I think about part of this is just my own nature, I've never been able to sit still and I have always been independent, but it's been so much worse in recent months. I'm constantly trying to distract myself from myself, or from the present. Always making tomorrow's to do list instead of just going to bed, and I'm scared to go to bed without the tv on because I don't want to be alone in my own head, etc. I know how unhealthy this is and I'm working on it, and to be honest its one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I'm still dancing around committing to a consistent mediation practice, and I'll get there. For now I've found the outdoors to be BY FAR the most effective tool for distracting myself in "healthy" way if there is such a thing.
I say this because don't get me wrong, I'm not going out there and meditating, or even doing yoga. I'm still afraid of being alone with my thoughts so I still just go go go. The difference is that rather than making to do lists and googling clinical trials and looking for supplements on amazon, I'm setting up the tent, warming up a pot of tea, quietly tying my fishing lines, and chopping kindling all while surrounded by nature. See the difference? I'm still going to the bathroom too much and my body aches all over, but I'm in an environment where I feel safe just being myself. I'm still constantly moving and "doing" rather than "being" but camping still just feels like the right choice.
My worry is that my lack of any responsibilities right now is just allowing me to run away and not work on these issues. I can't handle sitting down for a family meal for an hour so I just bail and go camping by myself for the night. As far as my health goes, if that family meal and board game causes me stress (which it does) than I guess camping is the right move, it just gets lonely being like this! Whether I'm becoming an avoider or I'm just paranoid again, either way I feel extremely lucky to have had the freedom to get out there and live the last couple of weeks! So without being negative anymore, here are some pictures from a few small excursions I have been able to enjoy.
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