139lbs but back to the gym!

I finally feel like I'm well enough for some more regimented exercise.  I'm not really trying to exercise more, just now in a quantifiable way.  I'm currently at almost the lowest weight I have ever been, and had Lauren take some prison-style shots just for keeping track of progress.  It may come off as vain but benchmarks are important.  I've always been fascinated by how our bodies can change and adapt according to what we do with them.  So here's where I'm currently at:

 

 I tried to stand as natural as possible.  You can see a difference in my shoulders if you look closely.  I have thoracic outlet syndrome on my left shoulder.  Its where your neck, pec, and trap muscles clench up, and the result is pinching off the nerves/arteries that run between your 1st rib and collar bone.  You can see my left shoulder hiked up towards my ear sort of, and that's me trying to relax.  It gets to tight it shoots into the back of my head, and if I lift my arm overhead too long my hand goes numb.  I've had this once before and had aggravated it by pole vaulting that time, this time around it just came out of nowhere and has been this way for months.  I think stress might have something to do with it. 

Add to that a narrowed disk space in my spine, swollen right ankle (can't see in the pic), and freaking arthritis stiffness everywhere.  Even my wrists feel like they have water in them or something.  My back is by far the worse though.  The stiffness and dull ache is so debilitating it sucks the energy right out of me.  This kind of pain just kills your motivation.  It isn't acutely painful by any means, but just so dam stiff and sore all the time.  When my stomach is in distress, or right before a poop my back hurts so bad I can't even stand upright, my abdominal muscles just want to pull me forward.

So I finally got myself to the gym yesterday, and managed:

-5 minutes of easy rowing

-3x5 shoulder press with the bar, front squat with 40lbs, an chin ups

-thats its!

So you could hardly even call that a workout by most standards, and I totally could have done that from home.  The reality is I just wouldn't have got it done at home.  Right now creating the habit of exercise is more important than the intensity of the exercise.  I got back into the process of making a playlist, mixing up the protein shake, but most importantly getting out the door!  I'm still socially anxious.  I never want to leave my condo because I don't want to get sick and I'm too proud to be vulnerable in front of people.  Beyond that, even when its people that I know understand, it really sucks having pain attacks away from home so I never want to leave.  I paced around home almost 2 hours trying to get to the gym but I'm glad I finally made the first step towards getting in shape. 

My goal for tomorrow is simply to make an appearance at the gym again.  I had IMS today so I likely won't feel up to "lifting" again, but even a bike and stretch would be a positive step.  Our sauna will be up and running any time, definitely looking forward to that as well!

Also, Dr. Louie's office got back in touch with me and treatment has been postponed, likely at least a month.  I'm actually OK with this, it sounds like he is really making sure he has everything figured out before proceed seeing as I am somewhat of a unique case.  I'm sure I can benefit from a few weeks to keep building my strength up before the transplant as anyways. 

Some blogs/pages I reccomend

I thought I'd do a post just to share some of my favorite sites for health and fitness info that I have found personally helpful.

Luke Durward:

Luke is an old pole vaulting rival of mine and a real smart guy!  Earlier this year I had noticed him developing his coaching business online, and reading some of his posts made me realize that accountability was what I was lacking in my pursuit of health.  This inspired me to start my first blog, the 30-ish day challenge which really made a difference in my life and sort of started this whole mission to cure myself without surgery.  Luke has a great website that I would reccomend to anyone, and even has his own Ted talk!  He's kind of a big deal....check it out:

Also check out his website at http://lukedurward.com/

Shannon Richards/Infinite Zenergy:

Shannon is a health coaching friend of mine.  We met through the gym I work at, Freedom Functional Fitness.  When I learned that she suffers with ulcerative colitis and found her own way to health the natural way, I was compelled to connect with here.  Shannon and I are a couple of food nerds, and love bouncing ideas off of eachother.  She is a creative genius in the kitchen!  All of her recipes are crazy healthy and delicious.  Shannon helped me realize the power and importance of journaling, and has been a great support through this all.

You can find her website at http://infinitezenergy.org/blog/  and check out her facebook page as well
https://www.facebook.com/infinitezenergy?ref=br_tf   .

Precision Nutrition:
I like this page because it has research and evidence-based information, translated into language that we can all understand.  I usually just skim the blog for stuff that jumps out at me. Follow them on Facebook or Twitter, there is a wealth of resources on their actual web page as well. 

The Bulletproof Executive:
This is the website of the guy who started the butter coffee trend.  The coffee thing is definitely his hook, but there is a lot more to what he calls the "bulletproof" lifestyle.  I linked the page that has information on the Bulletproof diet.  What I find interesting is that his motivation for finding the optimal diet wasn't for body composition, athletics, or even to cure a disease, but for optimal brain performance as a CEO.  After spending thousands and doing a TON of research over many years, what he came up with resembles the paleo diet, but with some interesting tweaks.  The podcasts are my favorite, he gets some awesome guests with very informative content. 


There are lots of other sites I frequent but these are my favorites and that's all the writing I feel up to for now.  This was mostly about diet, next will be my favorite exercise/training pages.

On my way

Things are coming along, slowly but surely. This is good, because as I've found in the past the changes that happen overnight never last anyways.  I've managed to become more active and am definitely eating more.  The slow transition is key, because if I have a good day and exercise too much, I'll be so hungry I'll take down way more food than my gut is ready to handle.  Don't get me wrong I welcome the appetite, but going from almost fasting every day to large amounts of calories right away is going to cause me pain, no matter how high quality the food.  So rather than starting even the most basic gym routine, I've been scattering extra bits of movement into my day with things like:

-Walking more
-Doing the odd random set of 10 squats in the kitchen
-Stretching a tight muscle while I wait for something in the microwave
-Helping dad clean the shed
-Cleaning the condo
-Going camping

I know you could hardly consider this stuff "starting to exercise" but I've been a serious vegetable lately. Beyond that, its more about the intention than how much is getting done.  Its about being conscious of my activity levels so I can monitor the correlation to how it makes me feel.  I'm making an effort to move more, and my body is giving me the green light so far.  My back/ankles/shoulders still hurt just as bad, but these simple activities don't aggravate them any further.  3 weeks ago just unloading camping gear out of the truck could have thrown my back into spasm, so just being able to do it now is a welcome form of exercise that I am thankful for.

My biggest challenge has been learning to calm down and slow down.  I really have no reason to be worried anymore, but I'm still constantly on edge with my guard up.  It's just a result of habit I suppose.  I've been looking out for myself the last two years, constantly searching, digging, reaching for answers, my brain never stops.  Like I said I have no rational reason to be worried anymore, but my brain is just so used to being in overdrive its taking some serious work to turn it off and just let my body heal itself.  I can never sit still, and social situations still make me anxious.  Even if I'm doing whatever I want on my own can't stay in one place for long, so add people and that's why watching a movie at a theater or playing a board game is so unappealing to me.  I think about part of this is just my own nature, I've never been able to sit still and I have always been independent, but it's been so much worse in recent months.  I'm constantly trying to distract myself from myself, or from the present.  Always making tomorrow's to do list instead of just going to bed, and I'm scared to go to bed without the tv on because I don't want to be alone in my own head, etc.  I know how unhealthy this is and I'm working on it, and to be honest its one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  I'm still dancing around committing to a consistent mediation practice, and I'll get there.  For now I've found the outdoors to be BY FAR the most effective tool for distracting myself in "healthy" way if there is such a thing. 

I say this because don't get me wrong, I'm not going out there and meditating, or even doing yoga.  I'm still afraid of being alone with my thoughts so I still just go go go.  The difference is that rather than making to do lists and googling clinical trials and looking for supplements on amazon, I'm setting up the tent, warming up a pot of tea, quietly tying my fishing lines, and chopping kindling all while surrounded by nature. See the difference?  I'm still going to the bathroom too much and my body aches all over, but I'm in an environment where I feel safe just being myself.  I'm still constantly moving and "doing" rather than "being" but camping still just feels like the right choice.

My worry is that my lack of any responsibilities right now is just allowing me to run away and not work on these issues.  I can't handle sitting down for a family meal for an hour so I just bail and go camping by myself for the night.  As far as my health goes, if that family meal and board game causes me stress (which it does) than I guess camping is the right move, it just gets lonely being like this!  Whether I'm becoming an avoider or I'm just paranoid again, either way I feel extremely lucky to have had the freedom to get out there and live the last couple of weeks! So without being negative anymore, here are some pictures from a few small excursions I have been able to enjoy.