Happy Thanksgiving!

As you can see, I'm feeling better again!  It seems crazy that I was so weak I had troubles pulling doors open and getting out of bed just 6 months ago....

(March 29- Oct 1) Ileostomy recovery using exclusively cannabis as medication:

 

 

Before I get all rambley I want to link a couple of earlier posts just to contrast how far I've really come.  A few archives can be found here for an idea of where I was at a year ago.  For those of you new to reading my blog, or that have met me recently (aka post-flare) these posts should give you some idea of what it's like to have crohns.

 I'm so glad I recorded this stuff. Nobody wants their picture taken when they appear to be rotting away, but having that "before picture" is so motivating to see after making so much progress.  I'm glad I wrote down my struggles, because I do not want to forget them. I never want to take life for granted again, and these journals are a great reminder of how lucky I am. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to have shared these experiences, so that the general public can maybe empathize with others that have crohn's. 

Fast forward to now. When I started writing this post I had just got back from a trip to the Okanagan where I was constantly on the go, taking in all sorts of activities and experiences I used to long for.   I went partly as a family trip and also for a wedding of two close friends.  A year ago travelling and spending so much time in social situations would have been out of the question. It was such a delight to enjoy new places and the company of so many good people.  I'm still having fun helping people discover their own strength at Freedom Functional Fitness, which will always be my happy place. I’ve also recently started an exciting position working at the Saskatchewan Compassion club, providing medical cannabis to people in the exact same situation I was in a year ago. I literally spend my days passing on the two things that have made the biggest difference in my health (fitness and cannabis), to those who truly need it.  It’s surreal. 

 As far as my own health goes, cannabis is nothing new for me, but having consistent access to

quality, lab tested edibles and suppositories has revolutionized my healing process.  The surgery needed to happen so that my body could quit wasting energy to heal un-healable tissue, (my colon and bladder had fused together) but now with that out of the way, my body seems so soak up cannabis like a sponge and I just keep getting stronger. Doctors and nurses can't believe I don't use ANY pharmaceuticals, especially after such an aggressive operation. Fuck steroids. 

The novelty of my new freedom has yet to wear off, every day feels like a gift. One of my favourite parts of this is the sense of contentment I've begun to develop due to the perspective crohns has blessed me with. I may be able to go mountain biking and lift weights now, but my happiness isn't dependent on it.  That's so liberating to say!  The mere absence of pain is enough to make me smile these days.  Being able to leave the house without feeling anxiety, or just going for a walk around the block pain free is a thrill right now. Before getting sick my happiness was dependent on winning meets, making teams, and lifting more weight. It wasn't healthy at all, and I'm thankful for my new perspective.

Though things are going well, I've slacked on my meditation practice and I’m noticing the effect.  Ive only just been back at it his last week after realizing how much worse I am without it.  I have no excuse for stopping, even though I’m busy now.  I really believe in the rule of thumb that the less time you think you have to meditate, the more you need to meditate. That doesn’t mean sitting on the floor cross legged chanting stuff, it can be as simple as just eating your lunch in silence without texting and face booking, or just counting deep breaths for 2 minutes.  Is 2 minutes or one non-distracted meal per day really so much so ask of ourselves?  I suppose we are best at preaching the advice we need to follow ourselves.

I am thankful for such a wonderful family that has supported me and made this all possible. Dad has busted his ass in the garden this summer so I've had all my favourite vegetables, and mom has always been there for me to talk to. From little things like that, to providing me with a car to drive and a place to live, I'm pretty spoiled.  They have both sacrificed a lot just to make me comfortable.  Even Reid provides me with free farm eggs that I enjoy every single day. My coworkers at Freedom are amazing, I’ve had them cover for me over and over when I’m sick, and i appreciate them keeping me around and being so patient with me as I got back on my feet.  Though I’ve had to scale back there because of my role at the compassion club, everyone has remained very supportive and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Thanks for reading!

Life with an ostomy.

It's really important to me that I share my surgery experience, because I remember being too scared to reach out, and just assuming the worst. I thought I would be painfully self conscious and never be able to do my favorite activities again.  I remember being so scared, envisioning life with the bag being miserable, and I'm specifically writing this post to say that is not the case at all....

 We fear what we don't understand. I made the huge mistake of just fearing the surgery without asking the questions I was scared to hear the answer to.  I was offered to be put in touch with ostomates, was told how life with the bag wasn't all that bad, but I was stubborn and wouldn't listen.   I may be fortunate enough to be re attached this year, but at this point I know I could be perfectly happy even if I had to live with this bag for the rest of my life.  I can wake up and do whatever I want now, no longer needing to be within 10ft of a washroom for my entire day. The bathroom urgency, and more importantly the stress that came along with it, is completely gone!

I'm not going to lie, the operation and 4-8 weeks following it were total hell. If you followed my blog around that time (view a post here ), you saw what a tough experience it was. That being said, once the complications subsided and the abscesses drained, I felt awesome.

Is having an appliance as good as before my flare? Obviously not, but it's pretty damn close.  Besides maintenance being annoying, it really doesn't hinder my life in any way shape or form, especially thanks to my stealth belt.  It holds the pouch horizontally rather that vertical, and supports it tight against my body so it doesn't flop around.  I wear it all day every day because it hides the pouch under shirts and makes jeans much more wearable.

Here are my stud brother's and I at a wedding.  See, can't tell I'm wearing a bag, and dress clothes are typically the most revealing:

I've managed to go mountain biking, pole vaulting, swimming, lift weights, and exercise freely.  I try to keep the pouch as empty as possible, as it can jiggle around and gets tight when the bag is full.  I can't say it has been without challenges.  I've had to learn to keep extra supplies on hand in case of leaks or emergencies, and do flange changes on the fly.  My stoma has popped out of the flange diving into the river, crashing my bike, and I had a leak at work one time, but one of my awesome co workers covered for me.  One time I had a leak while biking into downtown Kelowna and had to make a coffee shop pit stop.  This is going to sound weird, but there's something extremely liberating about walking into a Starbucks with your t shirt covered in poop and not being even the slightest bit embarrassed.  I've been through so many humiliating experiences with crohns that nothing phases me anymore. I've become very stoic in that sense I guess.  Like I said, it feels liberating to have that sort of "no fucks given", unashamed demeanor towards this disease that used to make me feel so self conscious.

Ostomy change at the dirt jumps, who needs a colon anyway?

Starbucks pit stop.  Minor bump in the road, still had an awesome day!

Learning was frustrating, but you learn to change supplies on the fly.  Sometimes the stoma makes farting noises, which two years ago I'd assume would just embarrass me, but I don't care and neither does anyone around me.  Those who matter don't mind right?

Although I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to get re-attached, I'm really glad I had this experience of having an ostomy.  Crohn's has been a wonderful teacher of life lessons.  I never thought I could be happy as a non-athlete, but it taught me that I can.  I used to foolishly think that having an ostomy would be the end of the world, yet with my intestine poking out of my belly I've had one of the best summer's of my life.  It's a very satisfying feeling.  

A few sample meals with inevitable side rants

Ok, so I keep getting more and more questions from fellow chronies about what I eat.  Rather than procrastinating to writing the perfect blog, I've just grabbed a bunch of food pictures from my iphoto library.  Yes, I hate to admit, I'm that annoying guy that always needs to pull out his phone to take a picture of his meal. 

But first I want to start out by saying that last night I had a wicked case of the munchies, made a poor decision and hammered back a box of 20 timbits.  The reason I chose to share this is to say that I am not perfect!  I have my moments of weakness just like everyone else.  Being a trainer and having all the right knowledge doesn't make me superhuman.  I'm prone to stress eating, and I love shitty, terrible chemical laden foods just as much as you do.  The accountability thing really works though, just the act of sharing that already makes me not want to do it again!  Be honest with yourself, theres always a clean slate available.

Having said that, I'm on top of my game about 80% of the time, and I've been cleaning up the junk diet consistently ever since my initial post-surgery binge.

Upon rising, I usually have a glass of water with 1tsp of sea salt.  This is great for thyroid health, and now that I'm missing my large intestine I can always use the extra sodium.

Side rant-You don't need to have a malabsorbtion syndrome to enjoy your salt!  Real salt is good for you, table salt is not.  Just like saturated fat, studies showing high sodium diets to be harmful were done on junk diets, so its more correlation that causation.  Regular table salt is processed with heat which kills all the trace minerals that make it so healthy.  The flowing agents added to make it pour so nicely can also be carcinogenic.  Stick to sea or pink himalayan, and use it to enhance the flavor of your foods.  It sure seems ironic to me how someone could deprive themselves of salt at breakfast and then dump a bunch of ketchup on their eggs.

With the salt water I'll take any pills that need to be taken on an empty stomach, currently thats just a couple of probiotics.

30-60 minutes later I'll have my "breakfast" of bulletproof coffee.  You've probably heard of it by now,  I'll admit it is super trendy these days.  Call it a health fad, but its awesome.  For those who aren't familiar, its 2 cups of high quality coffee blended with grass fed butter and MCT oil.  Do NOT attempt to just stir it, or you will be terribly disappointed.  And before dismissing it as "not a balanced breakfast"  hang on a second.  Think of it as a serving of healthy fats, but caffeinated.  You get the antioxidant benefits of the coffee, instant energy from the mct oil, and fat soluble vitamins as well as CLA from the butter.  Not to mention it tastes like the best latte you've ever had. I always do 2 tablespoons MCT oil (worked up to this, too much at once causes diarrhrea) , and 1-2 tablespoons butter.  The amount of butter just depends on hunger.  My favorite thing about it is the mental energy and clarity, with no crash.  You don't even think about food for 3-4 hours afterwards.  I know personally, if I start my day with a bowl of oatmeal crisp, first of all I want to eat the entire box, and even if I manage just one bowl, I'm fucking starving an hour later.

 With the coffee I'll take my vitamin A and D, and whatever else I'm currently on that is to be taken with food.

Side rant- Your entire diet needs to be balanced, not individual meals.  There are benefits to altering macronutrient ratios of a meal depending on its time and application.  For example, filling up on fat and avoiding carbs in the morning results in steady blood sugar and much more energy, where as post workout you want carbs to refuel, but zero fat because it will slow down the absorption/assimilation of other nutrients. 

In the afternoon I usually have a smoothie consisting of
-1 cup frozen fruit (my favorites are blueberry, mango, cherry, and seabuckthorn berry) ,
-coconut water and almond milk until its "enough" liquid for 1 serving.
-a couple "glugs" of avocado oil or olive oil
-another "glug" of MCT oil
-1tsp matcha green tea powder
-20-30 grams worth of protein from any combination of whey, hemp, or collagen protein powder
-other amino acids if I'm taking any at the time
-1/2 tsp real vanilla powder
-sometimes a TBSP of hemp hearts
- Sometimes a cup of frozen steamed kale or spinach, but not gonna lie I've been slacking on the greens lately

Beyond the coffee and the smoothie being staples my meals vary day to day, here are a few samples:

Chili made with bison, sweet potato, quinoa, celery, mushroom, bone broth, tomato sauce.  (no beans)

Cucumber slices and guacamole.  (Easy and portable).

 Homemade chocolates.  Raw cacao powder (super healthy, look it up), raw cacao butter, and a bit of maple syrup, thats it.  For a filling (optional) I used homemade macadamia butter.

 Real coffee.  Not ground 2 years ago and stored in a plastic disk.

 Macadamia butter mentioned previously.  Dump macadamias in blender, blend, done.

 BP coffee, boiled egg, leftover burger patty with guac.

 Steamed salmon with lemon and dill, 2 eggs.  15 minute supper. 

 Picnic lunch for the beach.  Spinach salad with chicken and hemp hearts, apple slices to dunk in almond butter, bananas and grapes.

 Lamb roast on top of onions and lemongrass before adding coconut milk and tomato paste.

 Zucchini, peppers, mushrooms fried in grass fed butter, loaded with plenty of salt and spices.  2 eggs thrown on top.  This is one of my quick and easy at home lunches.

 A whole pig's worth of pork belly (unprocessed bacon). Pork is definitely not something I would suggest eating this much of if you get it from the grocery store.  This is pastured organic, otherwise pork is typically a very dirty meat. 

 Leftover steamed cod on peas.  With salt and butter of course. 

 -I load herbs and spices on everything.  For fresh ones I like rosemary, cilantro, tarragon, and mint.  Dried I use a lot of of turmeric, cumin, cinnamon, fenugreek, garlic, dill, and oregano.  Seriously, I go hard on the spices.  I used to need to put ranch, teryaki or bbq sauce on everything I ate until I learned to use them.  Have fun with it, just check your expiry dates and please don't ruin your beautiful spices by storing them above the stove, that spot is basically a mold incubator. 

- I also enjoy 1-3 cups of tea per day.  I like green or peurh in the morning, ginger, rooibos, or peppermint anytime, and either kava or chamomile at night.

So there's a few examples anyways, if you find this information interesting or useful, please share!  What else should I blog about?

Feeling so much better! Here's how:

Been a while since I’ve blogged.  I’m certainly in a different space now, it feels great.  To start off, here are a couple of progress pictures.  The surgery was March 11 and as you can see, it kicked my ass pretty hard:

 April 7, 127 pounds

May 11, 140lbs

 Other than the occasional panic attack every couple of weeks, my anxiety is almost completely gone.  Its so liberating to be able to just go out and do things as I please!  No more sick queasy feeling in my chest every time I try leave the house!  Since surgery I've been able to accomplish the following:

-Gained 20lbs
-Finished my exercise nutrition course
-Coached a handful of classes at the gym
-CRP (inflammation marker) down to 8.0 For a reference, the lowest I’ve ever had it since being sick was  47.  0-7 is considered healthy range, so I'm almost there
-Most importantly, I’m enjoying life again!  I’m having so much fun just going for walks to the river, driving home to the acreage, cooking new recipes, and exercising for the pure thrill of it. 

All with the following also happening since the operation:

-blood clot in my right leg
-2 percutaneous drains for massive abdominal abscesses, left for 3 weeks then right for 3 weeks.
-Huge incision over my belly button, without staples.
-1 overnight stay after removal of 1st drain, another night in emerge to get 2nd drain pulled.

One of the drains I lived with:

This didn’t happen all on its own though, I had to facilitate this recovery.  After letting myself rot for the first few weeks, I knew I had to take active steps if I wanted to speed the healing process. I committed to a 30 day exercise program, stuck to an extensive supplement regimen, and I committed to a morning routine consisting of the following:

-Push ups as soon as rolling out of bed.  10 seconds down, 10 seconds up until failure.  At first, I could only do one, by the end of the month I managed 4 or 5.  Anyone can do this!  It took less than 2 minutes out of my day each morning.
-Meditate for 15 minutes.  (I use the app headspace)
-Weigh myself

I sleep with my phone on airplane, and make a point of not turning it on until those 3 things are done.  Same thing goes for the laptop.  I’ve found texts and emails to be an even worse focus sucker when you start your day with them. I use another app called askmeevery , where you can have it ask you anything you want via text and email.  Every morning I get a text asking “how many push ups”, and another asking “how much do you weight.”  This is awesome for accountability, the guilt of typing in that “0” is enough to make you just do the damn push ups.  My other favourite part about the app is that it automatically charts and graphs all your data for you, so you can see your progress in a nice visual.

Side note- those who think weighing in every day is excessive, here is my reasoning why.  We can lose and gain significant amounts of weight even during the course of a single day.  This is due to fluctuating hydration status, how much we eat, and other factors.  A lire of water weights 2.2 pounds, so you can drink/pee that amount without even knowing it.  The amount of carbohydrates stored in the body also influence how much water weight we hold onto. Since this number can change so much without your weight “actually” changing, I like to weigh in at the same time every morning, and then use a weekly average to tell where I’m at.  Also, the scale should not be feared!! Use it as a guide for future decisions, not a judge of past ones!

At night I get 2 more questions, one asking me “what did you eat today”, and one asking “what are you grateful for”.  This is my foolproof way of keeping a food log and gratitude journal.  Writing a food log is a humbling, surprisingly effective way of cleaning up your diet.  There's something about actually writing down “ate liter of cookie dough ice cream” that makes you really, really not want to do it again tomorrow. The gratitude journal is a super effective way of well, simply being happier!

As for diet, I tried eating super clean at first, but that resulted in me just picking at my food and really not eating anything.  Eventually I just started eating whatever the hell I felt I could get down, and my body actually thanked me for it at that point.  2000 cals of ice cream and toast beat the hell out of 400 calories of  healthy food.  So for the first 4 weeks or so I really let myself go diet wise, though I don’t feel guilty about it.  With such a low appetite, having a craving for anything at all was a blessing so I indulged it, whether it was mac n cheese, bread, or ice cream.  I loaded up on that stuff, and I’m not going to lie, it was awesome.  Eventually the novelty wore off though. Weeks 5-present I’ve been doing better by eating much more healthy foods throughout the day.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still enjoying some nighttime treats once my healthy “checkpoints” have been met for the day. Just because I’m conscious of it doesn’t make it any more acceptable, but its an evolving process.  If I’ve learned anything, its that small changes are the only sustainable ones. I've always found that adding good foods works better than subtracting bad ones.  Eventually the good replaces the bad, and if you eat the right stuff you won't crave the wrong stuff after a while. 

I started my first formal exercise May 11th.  A simple 30 day living room workout.

My reasons for going with this one were that:
-Strength (not silly cardio) training "wakes up" and activates your body into healing mode.  This is why simply having muscles keeps you from aging.
-it features compound movements working major muscle groups
-extremely beginner friendly, can be done anywhere
-simple and effective progressions
-written by a reputable coach (Brett Contreras is awesome)

Since 250 reps seemed a little silly, once I reached day 15 I went back to day 1 but added weight. I really wish I took pictures of my first couple workouts. At the beginning, I was so feeble I had to have stools on either side of me for balance  Keep in mind, for most of this program I had a 4 inch wire jammed in my side near my kidney. By the end, I was completing 150 loaded squats (broken into sets of 10-20) either holding a kettlebell , wall ball, or even an empty barbell.  After completing the 30 days I managed to pull of some real front squats!  May have only been 75lbs, but I felt like superman!

First set of "real" squats @ 75 pounds.  A couple months ago this was unfathomable:

My supplement regimen has been the following:

-1Tbsp high EPA fish oil
- 3-5 grams vitamin C spread throughout the day (for collagen synthesis for my incision)
-2 tbsp hydolyzed collagen protein (Incision repair, this stuff has also helped my arthritis more than any other supplement)
-1 B100 tablet
-800mg folinic acid
-30 000IU vitamin D
-25 000IU vitamin A for 2 weeks, then every other day
-Cannabis oil, in the form of either capsules, food, or blended into tea, totaling 100mg CBD and 400mg THC per day (Most effective medication I have ever used, bye bye prednisone, no more painkillers!) 1:1 CBD to THC is optimal, but I can't quite afford it.   
-2 shakes per day, each containing 7.5grams arginine, 5grams ornithine, and 10 grams glutamine.  This is an effective stack for surgery recovery, but also for healing sports injuries.
-Lots of MCT oil and Avocado oil in smoothies
-Magnesium (glycinate) 400-600mg per day
-Topical magnesium spray, 20 sprays at night.
-15mg zinc (gluconate) and 2mg copper, 2x per day

Of course none of this progress would be possible without the incredible support I have.  I am extremely fortunate to have wonderful friends and family backing me up every single step of the way.  Thanks everyone!

Cheers

Back in hospital...

Hopefully just for the night, it's been a frickin long day.

Recovery has been painfully slow.  Considering the operation was a month ago I'm really not doing well.  This infection really threw a wrench into everything and has slowed down the entire process.  It's more so extreme discomfort than pain that is getting to me.  There's a difference, but its just as bad as pain.  I do still have extreme pain once or twice a day, but beyond that its just constant abdominal pressure.  It's pushing against my ribs, my back, my bladder, you name it.  It hurts to move or breath deeply or even sit up with a neutral spine.  It's also very uncomfortable having drain tubes stuck inside of me and bags hanging everywhere.  It's weird how I was actually doing better the day of the operation than I am now.  

Last Wednesday I came in for a CT scan, which showed that the abscess currently being drained had almost dissipated, but another large collection had formed, this time on my right side.  The good news; we finally know why I'm hurting so bad, the bad news; I've got another fucking abscess.  My family doctor called me the next day with the report.  There was the large abscess that needed to be drained, as well as multiple smaller ones that will have to dissipate on their own.  The scan also showed what looked like a clot in my femoral vein.  I was ordered blood thinners (more needles, yay) immediately and was told to wait to hear more about getting the abscess drained.  Of course being Easter weekend, I couldn't get in until today.  It was a tough weekend of just waiting in pain.

Lauren brought me in at 10am this morning, and once I saw the surgeon he said he would order the test to be done and get me a bed because I would likely be admitted.  I was expecting just a quick in and out, putting in the drain only takes a half hour or so, but I guess they want to keep me for observation.  I didn't take it well, I hate being in here so I was pretty grumpy all day.  We had to wait in a waiting room until around 4 and of course no food or water allowed until after the procedure.  As I type this it sounds petty to complain about, I've certainly endured worse, its just a straw that breaks the camel's back type of ordeal.  I almost snapped this morning.  More waiting, more needles, more poking and prodding, more stupid protocols......less freedom.  I was also frustrated that they knew about this abscess a week ago and gave me no information on what was to do down, they certainly didn't let me know I should expect to be admitted.  Nobody likes going to RUH for a simple follow up and being told you have to stay. 

Anyways they put in a 2nd tube, this one hurts a lot more.  As of right now I've got an ileostomy, a wide open surgical cut (under gauze, they had to take all the staples out when the abscess started leaking through), and a drainage line in either side of my abdomen.  So yeah, the old midsection isn't feeling so hot right now. 

That was a little ranty, but hey it's been a rough go and I figured it was a good time to update everyone.  Time for the positives:

-My family and friends are amazing.  Lauren has been nothing but supportive, and her resilience through all this has been inspiring. Everyone around me has gone above and beyond to do anything they can to make me comfortable, whether its running around the city to pick up random stuff for me, putting movies in the dvd player, or just giving me a back rub, everyone has been so good.  I truly am fortunate to have so much support, some people go through this stuff alone and I can't even imagine what hell that would be.

-Home care has been helpful without being annoying or intrusive.

-The surgical incision over my belly button is healing very well.

-As annoying as this drain tube is, at least its just an abscess rather than a kink, blockage, or perforation, etc that would necessitate more surgery.

-My stoma/ostomy is working great.

-No more catheter or staples.

- I can go for car rides, etc without being scared of having to go to the bathroom all the time!!!

-Again, I have such a huge base of support.  I don't feel like anything has been too big or too small to ask for.  One big highlight has been friends taking me out for walks, or in this case wheelchair rides :)

No walk in the park (slightly graphic details)

I apologize in advance for the lack of structure for this post, I hardly have the energy to blog so it might be a bit of a ramble.

The operation itself did go great, but 2 weeks afterward I'm still battling complications.  The day after the surgery my vitals went crazy and showed definite signs of infection.  The next day they got me on aggressive antibiotics.  The abdominal pain continued to get worse and worse when it should have been getting better.  That night I rolled on to my side and a bunch of liquid oozed out and stained my gown.  Thinking it was just my ostomy leaking I buzzed the nurse, after cleaning the stoma area we realized the leak was coming out of my largest incision, the one right over my belly button.  Soon they removed a few staples and puss started oozing everywhere.  Definite infection.  It was so bad the had to leave the wound open and add an extra bag for the fluid to drain into.  This all happened around 1am and made for a long night, the nurses did an amazing job though.

The next morning I made it in for a CT scan which showed a very large abscess that had formed and needed to be drained.  That afternoon I was sent down to have a tube inserted into my belly to drain pus into, a THIRD bag hanging off of me.  So now I've got 1 ileostomy pouch, 1 incision drain pouch, and 1 abscess draining pouch.  Thank god my catheter was out by that point.  Add wheeling around an IV into the mix and I was not all that inclined to move around.

The rest of my stay has been kind of a blur, the initial drains and having the antiobiotics kick in helped significantly, but I was still in pretty serious pain.  I've been home a week now, and the drains are still flowing, I'll need them another week for sure.  They are just so cumbersome and annoying.  Monday night I threw up, and a bunch of blood and thick stuff shot into the incision bag from all the heaving pressure, we called home care and got sent to emergency to make sure it was all ok.  Everything turned out to be fine, it just made for a long stressful night.  The next morning home care changed all the dressings and stuff.

Even since being home, I've been in constant pain until yesterday really.  The good news is I haven't needed a painkiller in about 24 hours, I want to avoid those wretched things as much as possible.  I've hit an all time low of 124.5 pounds, so now a legitimate 50 pounds under my normal bodyweight.  Moving and eating are huge struggles, but I know I need to keep up with that stuff in order to heal.  I have a CT scan on Wednesday to see how the abscess is doing, and can hopefully ditch this drainage hose shortly after. 

Mom has been amazing looking after my every need here at the condo.  I've had lots of support from friends and family, just no energy for visitors yet.  I've been sleeping almost constantly which is good.  It's just been a long slow recovery and I'm growing weary.  Not a lot really cheers me up, and nothing interests me right now.  I'm thinking maybe one more week of it being this rough and once this infection is behind me I should see another boost in strength.  Anyways that's about all I have to say for now.  Home care should be here right away and then its nap time.  Cheers.

January Catch-up

Continuing on with the "sure haven't blogged in a while" theme, I figured I should at least post an update of where things are at.  I'm constantly "blogging" in my head in a sense. I get all these thoughts/rantings/ponderings, health information, and fitness information that I feel compelled to share, but then I become indecisive and feel intimidated to write any of it because I'm such a perfectionist I fear that I might come off the wrong way or not word things perfectly, so then I over think it and end up not writing anything.  I know it's irrational, I suppose I need to remind myself why I started this blog in the first place; because it was therapeutic for me.  So anyways I'm going to dive right in with no plan.....

Still no surgery date!!!  Argh.  Having closure and accepting the surgery was great, but the waiting and not knowing is getting to me now.  The latest we know is that I am on the urgent list, however the surgeon is booked up for the next 2 weeks, and then going on 2 weeks of holidays.  So in 4 weeks, he will just be starting to chip away at his list again, on which I have no idea where I'm situated.  So much for shortly after Christmas. 

I'm too worn down to be upset about it.  I'm so mentally drained I can't even experience anger or sadness it seems.  I want to move on with my life! I've been in limbo for so long; not sick enough to be hospitalized but too sick for basic functions like work and school.  The isolation is definitely affecting me.  Getting out of the house is a big enough deal, but reconnecting and seeing people is a real struggle.  Social anxiety sucks.  Getting out and seeing friends and family is so intimidating, even though that I realize they know and understand my situation.  Then the longer I go without seeing someone, the harder it is to recconect.  Going back to the track is brutal.  I know there are plenty of people there happy to see me out, but I get so damn skittish and just want to go back home.  Same with large family gatherings.  I suppose the trouble is that I feel I can't relate to anyone right now.

I loathe being bombarded with "how have you been feeling??", but at the same time hate it even more when people have no idea what I'm going through.  I can either lie and just say "good" and then feel resentful, or be honest and tell an acquaintance that I haven't seen in 6 months how much blood was in my toilet that morning.  Okay, I realize I don't need to be that graphic but you get the idea.  Either way I suppose it's just a wall that I'll need to break through eventually, the longer I put off getting out the harder it will be.  The last thing I want is for the surgery to take the pain away and then still be scared to leave the condo. 

I'm currently taking one online class, have 2 very casual clients at the gym (that understand my health situation), and have my nutrition coaching cert to chip away at right now.  Although those are literally my only obligations right now, it feels extremely overwhelming.  With the near future lacking so much certainty I'm finding it harder than ever to focus.  I'm strongly considering just dropping the university class. Like everything I just registered for it assuming I would be in better health by the time it rolled around.  I think I'd rather just knock out my remaining 4 classes in one term whenever I'm healthy, regardless of when that may be rather than making myself sick with stress one class at a time. 

As far as the operation itself goes, hell, I'm ready.  I'm looking at it as a challenge.  I've started listening to an mp3 of positive affirmations designed for those awaiting surgery, as well as meditating daily for the anxiety (I'm actually consistent at this now!!!). I've even made a pre and post surgery nutrition plan to maximize my body's chances of recovering well.  Doc says I'll be in the hospital for a week?  Challenge accepted, lets make it 5 days.

I want to make this surgery my bitch! 

Lane

Moving forward.

This isn't an easy post to write.  In a sense, I feel like its the end of what was a hopeful chapter of blogs.  Anyways, the fecal biotherapy treatment hasn't panned out, and I will be getting surgery soon.

This July I was so critically ill, I needed surgery.  The one thing I hadn't tried yet (short of a bone marrow transplant) was fecal biotherapy, so I told the doctor (whom I had already consulted with) I was ready to go for it. This guy, who I originally met with in May has repeatedly left me hanging, failed to communicate, and showed no interest in helping me get better.  I have been suffering this entire time, and can no longer deal with this pain.  Even if I could still tolerate the pain, I can't put my life on hold any longer.

Even if I could start the fecal biotherapy tomorrow, I would have to be put on meds (that I'd likely need to drive to the states to purchase) for 3 entire weeks, then starting the fecal stuff, all the while crossing my fingers hoping it will actually work.  I've been on the verge of going to the emergency room a handful of times already this fall, and I simply can't wait that long.

Being my procrastinating self I put off even calling the surgeons office until I hit the point where it literally felt like I needed my guts hacked out right then and there.  Well, not that I haven't had that level or pain before, but its all the time now.  The constant bloating and distention is affecting my breathing, I've lost function of my deep ab muscles, and getting out of the house for even an hour is a really big deal for me right now.  It's no way to live.  So I called the surgeons office first week of November, and had to wait until the 26th to even discuss the operation I needed asap.

It was a crappy 3 weeks.  I felt like all of my fighting over these last 2 years was all for nothing.  I felt like a fool for wasting so much time, money, and energy, to avoid a surgery that I was now getting.  I felt like I was settling.  I fell into one of my depressive cycles again. Motivation went out the window,  I started binge eating, not getting out of bed, and gave up on doing physio, taking my supplements, etc.  I was seriously dreading that appointment.  I was scared to find out what my new reality was going to be.

I ended up receiving about the best possible news I could get though, and it won't be as bad.  Like I was expecting, he said he would be removing my large bowel, terminal ileum, and any other sections of the small intestine that are too far gone.  The open end of the small intestine will then be routed through a hole in my stomach and stool will pass into a colostomy bag attached to me.  What I didn't expect was that he said he would leave my rectum intact, making it possible to re-attach the small intestine to the rectum in 6-12 months if everything heals properly, and then no more bag! 
After being sick for 2 years, and suffering the last 6 months waiting for a procedure that may or may not work, 6 months with the bag is nothing.  Especially considering the diseased tissues will be removed and the toilet will no longer be my ball and chain every day.  This is not the outcome I was hoping for, but that's life.  This also is NOT A CURE.  We are simply removing the narrowed/scar tissued/inflamed/bloody stuff, giving me a chance to rest and heal again.  I think of it as if 99% of my bodies resources are trying to heal these incurable tissues, and once they are gone, applying all of my knowledge of health and wellness will actually have a chance of doing something.  Fecal therapy may still be a supplementary treatment option down the road.

I'm still not thrilled about losing my internal organs, but it feels good to have some closure.  I finally know the end is in sight.  Now that there's a plan in place, I'm back to working at the things I can control. I felt a lot less depressed after the meeting, ready to get back at it.  Blogging, stretching, journaling, coaching, eating, meditating, whatever, all that stuff seemed worthwhile again.  Though I'm in a much better head space than I was in November, I don't want anyone to think this will be a walk in the park.  Its major surgery, and January is probably gonna hurt. 
 
One more month of physical agony perhaps, but I'm going to try my best to look after myself and enjoy time with friends and family over the holidays.  I feel extremely blessed to have so many loving, understandable people around me that support my decisions and make me feel safe.  Thanks everyone.  

Treatment delayed AGAIN

Really not impressed this time.  As of yesterday morning Dr. Louie still hadn't gotten in touch with me regarding any prep work for the procedure, like the receptionist told me he would.  I sent another email asking what exactly was going to go down, and he actually called me back right away.

He was under the impression I was just coming in to have my C.Diff treated further.  When we met all the way back in May it was all about crohn's.  Keep in mind all the contact I have had since then has been through his receptionist.  She told me the reason this got postponed from the original date of August 26th was because I was a special case he needed to take some extra time to prepare for.  How could he not know that I was seeing him for my crohn's?? This poor communication has been extremely frustrating. 

I thought it was strange that he had me booked to come this Wednesday without having done any prep work.  At least he actually responded to my email for once.  Anyways, to treat my crohn's he needs to put me on a special drug for THREE WEEKS before I can even start the fecal therapy.  He needs special approval from health Canada to even get the drug, which he asked for yesterday.  If denied, which is very likely, we will need to travel to Minot to pick up a prescription.  I would need to take that stuff for 3 weeks, and then finally start in Calgary.

I just don't know how much more I can take.  Could he not have taken 10 minutes out of his day to explain this all to me in July?  All the contact I have ever had is his receptionist booking dates for "the procedure" and then bumping them back.  No information on the procedure itself let alone ever getting to speak with the Doctor.  I have sent him plenty of emails that he simply never returned. 

The reason we decided to do the fundraiser and try this in the first place was because I was in critical condition and needed to do something about it, fast.  That was July.  Since then I've been simply living a life of self-preservation.  Constantly running from pain and trying everything possible just to put together a good day.  This past month has been exceptionally brutal, catching C.Diff and becoming bedridden, the only thing getting me by was knowing that I only have a couple more weeks to endure.  Before knowing I had C Diff and few weeks ago I was ready to admit myself and get surgery.  It was so excruciatingly painful and I really believed my body was quitting on me.  The drugs got me almost back to my baseline, but I really feel like I lost another month of my life, and I'm really not satisfied with my baseline anyways. 

I can't live this half life anymore.  I'm sick and tired of a good day being one where I left the house for an hour, or one where I handled solid food instead of just smoothies.  I'm ready to have surgery and move on with my life.  The pain is one thing, but I'm mentally worn out.  I know I'm tough, but I'm tired of NEEDING to be tough.  It's too mentally exhausting trying to stay strong during a losing fight.  It's especially scary knowing this the therapy might not even work.  The other scary thing is because of the treatment, for this next month, I can't take any medications even if my health takes a turn for the worse.

I decided to book a consultation with the surgeon just to have a back up plan in place.  Sure enough, I can't even get a consultation until the 26th of November.  So either way, I'm left to struggle for another month.  I'll know by the end of the week if the drugs get approved by Health Canada, and either start them asap, or begin planning a trip down to Minot.  I'll follow Dr. Louie's plan and keep toughing it out for now because like I said, I can't get the surgery until next month anyways so I might as well.  Will keep everyone posted.

Depression and Inflammatory Bowel Disease

Time to vent some thoughts.

I have much I want to share with you guys.  Whether its basic updates on my health, recipes I feel like I should share, lots of personal rants and opinions (as petty as they may be), things I am grateful for, lyrics that inspire me, personal goals, or lessons I have learned from this disease. It just all feels overwhelming so I'm just writing when I feel up to it.  Most of all however, I feel I owe it to others with this disease to share with the world what kind of living hell this disease truly can be.

I don't post how shitty I'm feeling or how depressed I am for sympathy.  Don't get me wrong, I've found sharing to be therapeutic, but the main reason I do it is to share with the world what crohn's, and other "hidden" chronic diseases really do to people.  I know that I will get better.  Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a year.  I will be strong again.  I will be happy again, and I know that I will achieve great things.  That is all great, but my fear is that I will get better without the full story being told.  I feel this responsibility to share HOW I got better, and what the entire process truly entailed.  I even fear losing touch with the suffering myself.  The last thing I want is to get better and move on to this happy life, and start taking things for granted again.  I want people to know how truly awful this experience has been, and I myself don't want to lose touch with it because of the perspective it has given me.

Out of all the terrible symptoms of crohn's and colitis, mental health is one of the most important things for me to share, because nobody has any idea that this disease can mess with your brain.

I've struggled with depression of varying degrees for the last two years, and for a combination of reasons.  For anyone who doesn't know depression isnt simply being really sad.  The best way I can describe it is things like:

-A total loss of interest in anything.  This brutal combination of being bored out of your skull, having all the free time in the world, yet nothing appeals to you.  Nothing brings you joy, nothing seems worth doing.  It messes with your head.
-Feeling extremely dull.  Life is dull, everything feels grey.
- Feeling paralyzed.  Feeling stuck.  I can tell when I'm depressed, and I know what makes it better, but you lack ambition to the point where nothing seems worth it.  The tiniest, most menial tasks become so intimidating.
-Feeling like you have nothing to offer.  When I'm depressed I'm totally conscious of the fact that I'm not fun to be around, I can be rude and condescending to people I love, and I never have anything positive to say.  I'm aware of it.  I'm not proud of the fact that I'm bitter.  What ends up happening sort of goes along with "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  So I hide alone in my apartment, not wanting to be toxic to the people I love.
-Depression isn't sadness or a sign of weakness, it is the result of staying strong but fighting a losing fight for way too long.
-Insomnia.  Always tired, can never sleep.

So that's how I would explain it in a nutshell.  It is extremely debilitating yet easy to mask.  It can happen for no reason at all, which can be the worst because you beat yourself up for being irrational. 

The first thing that contributed towards my depression was losing my identity as an athlete.  This I'm actually thankful for, because almost all high performance athletes go through this when they lose their sport, whether its because of retirement, or an injury.  Athletes have this unhealthy tendency to base their entire identity around being an athlete, thinking that is all that makes them who they are.  It sounds cliche, but they don't see that there is more to life, that there is more to them than sport.  I was one of these athletes, and the reason I'm happy I had that "particular" depression is because it was inevitable, and I got it out of the way at a young age.  It was NOT easy, but having pole vault taken away humbled the shit out of me.  I didn't have any say in the matter.  I had no other option than to find joy in other things, and to figure out what else I had to offer the world.  The beauty of it is that vaulters peak in their late 20's, so it will still be there when I'm healthy.  Difference is that this time around, it will be nothing but a gift, nothing but a bonus.  Though I miss it like crazy, I now know that I can be happy without it.  When I'm back on the runway, it will be nothing but a celebration rather than an obligation.

Then there is depression caused from isolation.  I've been stuck in my apartment for months on end, even before/aside from social anxiety, simply just from being sick as a dog!!!!  At any given moment, my torso will completely lock up, I'll become short of breath, and I'll start to feel knives twisting inside my my stomach.  This will escalate for about 20 minutes until I pass about 3 tiny, bloody bowel movements that makes me want to throw up at the same time.  This "only" happens 5-10x per day, so yeah, there are plenty of "non-sick" parts of my day where I could go for a walk or watch a baseball game, but the fact is that I cannot predict it, so I have this constant fear of leaving my own small comfort zone.  Its not the pain attacks I'm afraid of, I'm used to that.  It's being sick and vulnerable out in public that scares the hell of out me.  Other than a very small number of people, I don't want ANYONE around me during those episodes.  Do you know what it's like to be in a small class and have to make 3 separate, 10 minute bathroom trips within one hour when they don't know your situation?  Or how depressing and frustrating, and stressful it is to risk having to pull over to a gas station (again, for like 10 minutes) any time you want to drive across the city?

So I got on some tangents there, but you can start to see why people with inflammatory bowel disease just sort of disappear, and never want to leave the house.  Keep in mind we only even attempt these outings the rare time we even have the energy to do so.  Even in between pain attacks the fatigue from anemia, insomnia, and lack of nutrient absorption (if you are able to eat at all) , is enough to make you never want to get out of bed.  So you can imagine how frustrating it is to have a pain attack on those very rare times you actually feel like living life.

The result of living in isolation is becoming detached from the world.  Detached from your friends and family, from your job, from your hobbies, detached from life.  It doesn't happen overnight (which is why it is so hard to catch), but eventually you find yourself feeling dead inside, wondering what the hell happened.  By the time you realize you are depressed, getting out of that hole is extremely intimidating, even if you know how.

I also was on prednisone off and on for over a year, which chemically induces depression as a side effect on its own.  I'm still emotional as hell because of this disease (see next paragraph), but prednisone can change people into a total Jekyll and Hyde.  I won't get into it, but that stuff is evil and I'll never take it again unless its a total emergency.  

The last, but most important contribution to depression that I want to share is how this disease affects the brain just by its very own nature.  Crash course here: serotonin is the body's "feel good" hormone responsible for happiness, motivation, etc.  Without serotonin, you become depressed. Bet you didn't know that 80-95% of a person's serotonin lives in the gut!!! So you can imagine how digestive diseases can wreak havoc on people's emotions.  This explains why even with IBS many of the main symptoms are psychiatric, not just digestive.  It's not just serotonin that is made/resides in the gut, but a whole other host of hormones and neurotransmitters.  It makes sense to me, looking back I have always been an anxious kid, and I've displayed symptoms of ADD my entire life.  This is pretty new stuff, but scientists are already starting to refer to the gut as "the second brain".  I didn't even know this stuff until recently, but I always make sure to mention the mental side of things now when people ask me what crohn's is. 

Crashing again

Have I ever mentioned how frustrating this disease is?

The reason I haven't blogged in a while is because I've been suffering again these last few weeks.  I typically get on a posting roll when things are going well, and then neglect to blog when I'm struggling.  I started to slip about 3 weeks ago, but up until that point was feeling great.  I had been to the gym a few times, got outside a little more, and begun a couple of night classes.

All of a sudden I started having perianal pain again, I know its pretty gross but it can be extremely painful and was quite worrisome.  My left foot swole up again, and my knees and back are always sore. Soon I became feverish, and lost all strength and energy again.  I knew this was bad news, I didn't want my old fistula wound to become infected so I phoned my Dr.'s office and left a message to no avail.  I finally got in touch with them a week later and they issued stool, urine, and blood tests.

Urine was fine, the blood test showed my inflammation back up to 150, 3 times as high as the last test.  This really frustrated me because I was doing so well, I really thought I was on the up.  It was no surprise however, because I definitely feel terrible.  The nurse left a message on my phone today letting me know he stool sample tested positive for C. Difficle, a really nasty bacterial infection of the gut.  I've had this before and it's not pleasant, but at least gives me an idea of why I feel so terrible.  The frustrating part is they left me a message Friday afternoon, and I won't be able to start anything until Monday.

I'm just really angry, frustrated, and sad from being such a vegetable.  I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of sleepless nights, I'm tired of not having the strength to leave the apartment. I'm tired of being so alone at home constantly. Its getting old, and I'm getting impatient.  All I want is to go back to work, just to feel valued and have that sense of purpose again.

So game plan moving forward will be to tough it out for the weekend, and likely start some antibiotics Monday.  The plan for fecal biotherapy is still up in the air, all the receptionist will give us is "sometime after the 17th".  We'll see what that means.  I'm really tired of just simply surviving. 

Grindin' :)

Tough night again last night but I got my ass to the gym anyways, and had to write a blog because I feel so damn good!

Bad sleep last night.  I'm having troubles with my mind racing at night still.  It's at least not anxiety keeping me awake, just obsessing over to-do lists and other stuff that is totally irrelevant in the middle of the night. Had a typical morning, up around 6am with the hangover-of-death feeling.  Not to mention the crippling torso discomfort.  I would call it back pain, but torso discomfort is more accurate.  It doesnt sound as bad but it fucking sucks.  When I wake up, my intestines are in spasm so bad that all of my "front" core muscles literally contract against my will and pull my whole body into forward flexion.  My physiotherapist figures this is how I got my bulged disk, and continue to have back pain even post-decompression therapy.  Not to mention being on the toilet, I'm violently pulled forward at least 10x per day.  Obviously, the solution is maintaining proper posture, trouble here is that my erectors (back muscles) have to work 10x harder than normal just to maintain that upright posture, because they are fighting against the opposing muscle groups, that will not let go until my intestines let go.   So yes, I can correct it, it just becomes exhausting trying to stay upright all the time.  Sitting is the worst.

OK, got off on a tangent on how its not just back pain.   Anyways I woke up with this torso pain around 6am, the usual, feelinglike garbage but I'm experienced enough that I know I will continue to feel this way until I've had 5-6 really awful bm's, still sometimes bloody.  I try to start stretching, extending my spine, and usually get on the inversion table to get things moving.  This is all extremely uncomfortable at the time, but sort of speeds up the inevitable.  If I'm not up to moving yet, I'll start with a cup of ginger tea for the nausea.  As soon as I'm able, I try get down either a bulletproof coffee or a small shake, usually just water, protein, and a couple shots of olive/avocado oil blended together.  I've become a firm believer of protein and fat ONLY for breakfast (because it works), the trick for me was getting it in a form I can choke down in the mornings.  As soon as I put anything into my mouth its a matter of about 5 minutes before I need to run to the can.  I'm aware of this in the mornings and like I described, the body pain doesn't go away until everything is "emptied out" for the morning.  So even though its the last thing I want to do, forcing down a few calories usually results in getting my day started a bit sooner if I can tolerate it.  When your sick, getting better is often just a matter of doing stuff you don't want to do.

The good news is I started feeling better around 10.  My last two days have been shitty so I was damn well gonna capitalize on this one.  I'm definitely making progress, the last blog I posted about pacing around for an hour before leaving the house.  I'm finally stepping out of my comfort zone an ENJOYING seeing people.  It really feels amazing to get that back.  That alone was enough of a victory to put a smile on my face.  Also, instead of nervously walking around the gym picking odd exercises, I wrote a warm up which I stuck to, and then did a fun little strength workout.  I'm so thankful to be able to lift again, I beleive short, but intense training has amazing health benefits for sick people.  Yoga is awesome for a million reasons, but you simply cannot duplicate the hormonal effects/benefits of heavy lifting or sprinting.  Growth hormone and testosterone are not just for bodybuilders, they are both extremely important for HEALING!!  Also anti aging, but I'm getting on another tangent so I'll save that for another post.  Today's workout was:

-5 minutes elliptical
- foam roll and sun salutations

Warm up (3 rounds)
- BW reverse lunge with twist (pause at bottom for a good active stretch)
-10 Cable external rotations (good arm)
- 5 glute bridges/leg (just for activation purposed)
- 10 leg swings against a wall

GETTING JACKED (jk)
All in a row:
- 3 Back squats at 125lbs
- 3 Kettbell push jerks (The grey one lol, dunno size) Right arm only
- 3 Single arm chin negatives.  Right arm only

Rested 3 minutes, did 5 sets.

Pretty high intensity for just starting, but the key here is that the volume is extremely low.  Volume makes me sick, not intensity.  I may come off as a bit of a bonehead choosing to lift weights having arthritis and all this other nonsense, but I've found it to be all postural.  My back is relatively strong still.  I can still squat and deadlift ok with strict form, but picking a pen up off the floor with a rounded spine can fuck me right up.  Long drives = by FAR the worst thing for my back.  You get the idea.

I wish more sick people realized the benefits of exercise if they just pushed through it, because I feel amazing right now.  The trick isn't fooling yourself into thinking a 30 minute walk will make you better.  Don't get me wrong, it will feel refreshing, but its boring as hell and won't give you the addictive benefits that make you want to keep doing it.  I want to re-iterate that although I was lifting "heavy", the total number of reps for ALL my exercises today was only 45.  Keeping the volume down is how I am able to make this work!  By the time I got home I was hungry as hell, in a cheery mood, and the whole workout took the same time as that 30 minute walk.  Of course I lingered and visited at the gym, which was also very therapeutic for me.

Last thing I'll share is my post workout shake for anyone who's interested in what I take.  I have a few recipes for concoctions I believe to be optimal, but I'll save those for when I'm REALLY training.  For now I keep it simple:

-Not enough volume to necessitate any carbs.  If I wanted some I'd use a bit of cherry juice or some waxy maize starch, etc.

- 1 scoop grass fed whey isolate (shouldn't need to explain that one)

- 1 scoop glutamine.  I have my mixed thoughts on it's efficacy as a workout supplement, but its cheap as hell, and happens to be VERY important for the gut lining.  I take it a few times a day for my crohn's anyways so I throw it in the shake.

- A few big dashes of turmeric.  This is a hardcore anti-inflammatory, and since my body is always fighting a raging onslaught of inflammation, anything to dumb down the acute response from training is welcome.  It's also something I take all day long for my guts anyways.  Google some research, it's actually more effective than advil for arthritis, etc.  Some high-end supplement companies are even starting to throw it into their post-workout blends now.  I believe you still want that acute inflammatory response during training, but afterwards its time to bring it down.  Think of why you jump in the ice bath after lactic workouts (although the research on those is also now SUPER conflicting).
-1/2tsp acai berry powder.  This is something new new I'm trying, just something I had on the counter for throwing into smoothies.  It's pretty well known for being an extremely potent antioxidant.  There have been studies showing cherry juice (also pomegranate and cranberry, but don't quote me on that) being effective in reducing DOMS when taken post workout due to the antioxidants.  It's worked for me in the past anyways. My hope/theory is that acai might have the same effect.  If it works it will be a lot more convenient to mix in the powder as opposed to bringing actual cherry juice to the gym.


So yeah, great day so far!  I'm so thankful to have so many fit people around me to keep me inspired.  If my girlfriend can get up and go for a run at 7am when she has a full day ahead of her, I can dam well get to the gym for 30 minutes when its convenient for me and my entire day is wide open. 

Like most of these, that turned out being a lot longer than I had planned.  Time to eat again, and then make a costco run!

 Cheers!

139lbs but back to the gym!

I finally feel like I'm well enough for some more regimented exercise.  I'm not really trying to exercise more, just now in a quantifiable way.  I'm currently at almost the lowest weight I have ever been, and had Lauren take some prison-style shots just for keeping track of progress.  It may come off as vain but benchmarks are important.  I've always been fascinated by how our bodies can change and adapt according to what we do with them.  So here's where I'm currently at:

 

 I tried to stand as natural as possible.  You can see a difference in my shoulders if you look closely.  I have thoracic outlet syndrome on my left shoulder.  Its where your neck, pec, and trap muscles clench up, and the result is pinching off the nerves/arteries that run between your 1st rib and collar bone.  You can see my left shoulder hiked up towards my ear sort of, and that's me trying to relax.  It gets to tight it shoots into the back of my head, and if I lift my arm overhead too long my hand goes numb.  I've had this once before and had aggravated it by pole vaulting that time, this time around it just came out of nowhere and has been this way for months.  I think stress might have something to do with it. 

Add to that a narrowed disk space in my spine, swollen right ankle (can't see in the pic), and freaking arthritis stiffness everywhere.  Even my wrists feel like they have water in them or something.  My back is by far the worse though.  The stiffness and dull ache is so debilitating it sucks the energy right out of me.  This kind of pain just kills your motivation.  It isn't acutely painful by any means, but just so dam stiff and sore all the time.  When my stomach is in distress, or right before a poop my back hurts so bad I can't even stand upright, my abdominal muscles just want to pull me forward.

So I finally got myself to the gym yesterday, and managed:

-5 minutes of easy rowing

-3x5 shoulder press with the bar, front squat with 40lbs, an chin ups

-thats its!

So you could hardly even call that a workout by most standards, and I totally could have done that from home.  The reality is I just wouldn't have got it done at home.  Right now creating the habit of exercise is more important than the intensity of the exercise.  I got back into the process of making a playlist, mixing up the protein shake, but most importantly getting out the door!  I'm still socially anxious.  I never want to leave my condo because I don't want to get sick and I'm too proud to be vulnerable in front of people.  Beyond that, even when its people that I know understand, it really sucks having pain attacks away from home so I never want to leave.  I paced around home almost 2 hours trying to get to the gym but I'm glad I finally made the first step towards getting in shape. 

My goal for tomorrow is simply to make an appearance at the gym again.  I had IMS today so I likely won't feel up to "lifting" again, but even a bike and stretch would be a positive step.  Our sauna will be up and running any time, definitely looking forward to that as well!

Also, Dr. Louie's office got back in touch with me and treatment has been postponed, likely at least a month.  I'm actually OK with this, it sounds like he is really making sure he has everything figured out before proceed seeing as I am somewhat of a unique case.  I'm sure I can benefit from a few weeks to keep building my strength up before the transplant as anyways. 

Some blogs/pages I reccomend

I thought I'd do a post just to share some of my favorite sites for health and fitness info that I have found personally helpful.

Luke Durward:

Luke is an old pole vaulting rival of mine and a real smart guy!  Earlier this year I had noticed him developing his coaching business online, and reading some of his posts made me realize that accountability was what I was lacking in my pursuit of health.  This inspired me to start my first blog, the 30-ish day challenge which really made a difference in my life and sort of started this whole mission to cure myself without surgery.  Luke has a great website that I would reccomend to anyone, and even has his own Ted talk!  He's kind of a big deal....check it out:

Also check out his website at http://lukedurward.com/

Shannon Richards/Infinite Zenergy:

Shannon is a health coaching friend of mine.  We met through the gym I work at, Freedom Functional Fitness.  When I learned that she suffers with ulcerative colitis and found her own way to health the natural way, I was compelled to connect with here.  Shannon and I are a couple of food nerds, and love bouncing ideas off of eachother.  She is a creative genius in the kitchen!  All of her recipes are crazy healthy and delicious.  Shannon helped me realize the power and importance of journaling, and has been a great support through this all.

You can find her website at http://infinitezenergy.org/blog/  and check out her facebook page as well
https://www.facebook.com/infinitezenergy?ref=br_tf   .

Precision Nutrition:
I like this page because it has research and evidence-based information, translated into language that we can all understand.  I usually just skim the blog for stuff that jumps out at me. Follow them on Facebook or Twitter, there is a wealth of resources on their actual web page as well. 

The Bulletproof Executive:
This is the website of the guy who started the butter coffee trend.  The coffee thing is definitely his hook, but there is a lot more to what he calls the "bulletproof" lifestyle.  I linked the page that has information on the Bulletproof diet.  What I find interesting is that his motivation for finding the optimal diet wasn't for body composition, athletics, or even to cure a disease, but for optimal brain performance as a CEO.  After spending thousands and doing a TON of research over many years, what he came up with resembles the paleo diet, but with some interesting tweaks.  The podcasts are my favorite, he gets some awesome guests with very informative content. 


There are lots of other sites I frequent but these are my favorites and that's all the writing I feel up to for now.  This was mostly about diet, next will be my favorite exercise/training pages.

On my way

Things are coming along, slowly but surely. This is good, because as I've found in the past the changes that happen overnight never last anyways.  I've managed to become more active and am definitely eating more.  The slow transition is key, because if I have a good day and exercise too much, I'll be so hungry I'll take down way more food than my gut is ready to handle.  Don't get me wrong I welcome the appetite, but going from almost fasting every day to large amounts of calories right away is going to cause me pain, no matter how high quality the food.  So rather than starting even the most basic gym routine, I've been scattering extra bits of movement into my day with things like:

-Walking more
-Doing the odd random set of 10 squats in the kitchen
-Stretching a tight muscle while I wait for something in the microwave
-Helping dad clean the shed
-Cleaning the condo
-Going camping

I know you could hardly consider this stuff "starting to exercise" but I've been a serious vegetable lately. Beyond that, its more about the intention than how much is getting done.  Its about being conscious of my activity levels so I can monitor the correlation to how it makes me feel.  I'm making an effort to move more, and my body is giving me the green light so far.  My back/ankles/shoulders still hurt just as bad, but these simple activities don't aggravate them any further.  3 weeks ago just unloading camping gear out of the truck could have thrown my back into spasm, so just being able to do it now is a welcome form of exercise that I am thankful for.

My biggest challenge has been learning to calm down and slow down.  I really have no reason to be worried anymore, but I'm still constantly on edge with my guard up.  It's just a result of habit I suppose.  I've been looking out for myself the last two years, constantly searching, digging, reaching for answers, my brain never stops.  Like I said I have no rational reason to be worried anymore, but my brain is just so used to being in overdrive its taking some serious work to turn it off and just let my body heal itself.  I can never sit still, and social situations still make me anxious.  Even if I'm doing whatever I want on my own can't stay in one place for long, so add people and that's why watching a movie at a theater or playing a board game is so unappealing to me.  I think about part of this is just my own nature, I've never been able to sit still and I have always been independent, but it's been so much worse in recent months.  I'm constantly trying to distract myself from myself, or from the present.  Always making tomorrow's to do list instead of just going to bed, and I'm scared to go to bed without the tv on because I don't want to be alone in my own head, etc.  I know how unhealthy this is and I'm working on it, and to be honest its one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  I'm still dancing around committing to a consistent mediation practice, and I'll get there.  For now I've found the outdoors to be BY FAR the most effective tool for distracting myself in "healthy" way if there is such a thing. 

I say this because don't get me wrong, I'm not going out there and meditating, or even doing yoga.  I'm still afraid of being alone with my thoughts so I still just go go go.  The difference is that rather than making to do lists and googling clinical trials and looking for supplements on amazon, I'm setting up the tent, warming up a pot of tea, quietly tying my fishing lines, and chopping kindling all while surrounded by nature. See the difference?  I'm still going to the bathroom too much and my body aches all over, but I'm in an environment where I feel safe just being myself.  I'm still constantly moving and "doing" rather than "being" but camping still just feels like the right choice.

My worry is that my lack of any responsibilities right now is just allowing me to run away and not work on these issues.  I can't handle sitting down for a family meal for an hour so I just bail and go camping by myself for the night.  As far as my health goes, if that family meal and board game causes me stress (which it does) than I guess camping is the right move, it just gets lonely being like this!  Whether I'm becoming an avoider or I'm just paranoid again, either way I feel extremely lucky to have had the freedom to get out there and live the last couple of weeks! So without being negative anymore, here are some pictures from a few small excursions I have been able to enjoy.